Early Deprivation: Can Someone’s Defended False Self Cause Them To Blame All Men/Women?

In general, someone could spend a lot of time talking about how all men or women are a certain way. This might only take place when they are around friends and family, or it could go further.

If it does go further than this, it can mean that they will share their views publicly. In this case, they can have a large following online, with them sharing videos, articles, and even books.

The Problem

But, with that aside, the view that they have of men or women can be very negative. As far as they are concerned, all of the problems of the world can be due to men or women.

Thanks to this, in their eyes, if there were no men or women on the planet, the world would be a better place. Based on what they believe, it will be as though men or women are inherently better than men or women.

Another Element

When it comes to why they are so certain that all men and women are the same, the men or women that they have been with are likely to play a big part. So, over the years, just about every man or woman they have been with might have behaved in the same way.

For example, these might have been men or women who were emotionally unavailable and even abusive. Along with this, most of their friends and perhaps family members might have been with men or women who were the same.

It’s Clear

Their experiences, plus what others have said to them both in the real world and online, will then prove that how they see me or women is the truth. As a result, if they were told that their views don’t reflect reality and are extreme, they might dismiss what they hear.

They could say that they just understand the true nature of men or women, and are, unlike them, no longer being deceived. After this, someone could wonder how they could not only believe that all men or women are the same, but also have such a negative view of the opposite sex.

A Closer Look

However, although it may seem as though they came to this conclusion after thinking deeply about this area of their life, there might be more to it. There is a chance that it is largely a defence against pain.

If this is so, it won’t be something that they have consciously chosen; it will be a consequence of a process that was largely unconscious. Thus, by believing that men or women are the same, it will stop them from having to come into contact with parts of themselves that are painful and are too much for them to handle.

The Catalyst

The view that they have is then not just going to be something that exists in their mind; it will be part of a defensive structure that is playing a key part in them being able to keep it together and function. When it comes to what caused them to create this defensive structure, it might have been in a dysfunctional relationship and the breakup that followed.

Conversely, this might have taken place after they had been in a number of dysfunctional relationships and had experienced a number of breakups. Either way, they would have experienced a lot of pain, but instead of facing and processing how they felt, they ended up disconnecting from it and focusing on what was going on externally.

Another Reason

Then again, they might not have needed to create this defensive structure after they had these experiences because it might have already been in place. Thanks to this, they might have felt angry and enraged after, but not sad, and soon blamed the other person for what they went through.

They would then have been the good one, and the man or woman they were with would have been the bad one. This can show that they typically don’t reflect on their behaviour and are not curious about why this area of their life is the way that it is.

A Deeper Look

If this defensive structure was already in place, it can be due to what took place during their formative years and the impact it had on them. This may have been a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

From a very young age, they might have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Being ignored, rejected and abandoned would then have been normal.

One Option

To handle not having certain needs consistently met and the pain that this caused them, they would have lost touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self.

Automatically adapting in this way would then have allowed them to keep it together and function, but it would have caused them to lose touch with a big part of themselves. Many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life, but this defensive structure will still be doing what it can to protect them.

The Downside

Yet, while it will help to stop their conscious mind from being flooded by inner material that is being held in their unconscious mind, it will also stop them from being able to have access to all of themselves and being able to explore how they are playing a in the experiences that they have with men or women. Without realising it, deep down, their priority won’t be to be fully connected to themselves and have a fulfilling relationship with a man or woman; it will be to ensure that they don’t come into contact with how they feel.

Furthermore, they can also be unconsciously trying to receive the love that they missed out on as a child. At this level, they have no sense of time and are blind, which is why they won’t be able to see that, as this stage of their life is over and another man or woman is not their mother or father, it is too late for them to receive what they missed out on.

Moving Forward

For them to gradually let go of their defensive false self, get back into their body and reconnect to all of their emotional self, and no longer look for the love that they missed out on by unconsciously re-creating depriving situations, there will be a number of steps for them to take. There will be beliefs for them to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk