Early Deprivation: Can The Fear Of Abandonment Stop A Man From Being Able To Assert Himself?

What a man may find, if he were to step back and reflect on how he behaves, is that it is hard for him to stand up for and express himself. In fact, he might see that this is something that seldom takes place.

As a result of this, it will be normal for him to be mistreated and to do what other people want. The outcome of this is that he will typically turn his back on himself, which will cause him to suffer.  

One Area

When he is at work, he could often be put down and criticised. But, instead of speaking up, he could just tolerate what is going on and do his best to carry on with his work.

Due to what it is like for him, he could feel down when he is there and spend a lot of thinking about how he needs to get away. When he is not at work, he can dread going back and even imagine not going back there ever again.

Another Area

As for when he is with his friends, assuming that he has any, he could often be put down and treated as though he has no value. One again, he could just tolerate what is going on and act as though everything is fine.

Then again, there could be moments when he is controlled by his anger and ends up erupting. But, after this has taken place, he could end up feeling uncomfortable and end up apologising.

One More

And, if he is in a relationship, his girlfriend could often criticise and humiliate him. She could also be very controlling and try to stop him from doing certain things.

But, as with the other areas of his life, he could just put up with what is going on and not speak up. Or, if there are moments when he does stand up for himself, he could soon feel uncomfortable and have the need to please her.

A Strange Scenario

After thinking about how he behaves in each area of his life, he can wonder why he is this way. He could end up criticising himself, seeing himself as someone who lacks courage and is weak.

However, even if he were to come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that this is the truth. What it can show is that he is in a traumatised state and so, even though behaving in this way is not serving him, the alternative is seen as something that is far worse.

A Closer Look

For him to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on for him, it will be a good idea for him to use his imagination. He can imagine that he is with a friend or his girlfriend, that’s if he has one, and imagine that he is being mistreated.

He can then imagine that he speaks up and makes it clear that how he is being treated is not acceptable. After this, he could end up feeling anxious and fearful and have the need to go back to how he was before.

The Next Stage

If this were to happen, he could wonder why he doesn’t feel safe enough to freely express himself. Deep down, he is likely to believe that if he does this, he will end up being left and his life will come to an end.
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This could be seen as something that is completely irrational as he is an adult and doesn’t need to please others to survive. But, as irrational as it may seem, if his developmental years are explored, it might soon be seen as being rational.

Back In Time

Practically from the moment that he was born, he might have often been left, and, when his parent or parents were available, he might have typically received misattuned care. This might have continued to take place as the days, weeks, months and years passed, with him being isolated as a child, too.

At this stage of his life, he needed a primary caregiver who was generally attuned to his needs and consistently met them. Instead, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

The Outcome

As he was powerless and dependent, he couldn’t change what was going on or find an attuned parent who could provide him with the love that he needed. To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

This would have involved him disconnecting from his embodied, true self, and forming a disconnected and outer-directed false self. From this moment onwards, his priority would have been to hide himself and please others.

Two options

He would have come to associate expressing himself and not pleasing others as something that would cause him to be left and his life to end. This was the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made.

When he was powerless and dependent, not expressing and pleasing others would have decreased his chances of being left and dying. Yet, now that he is an adult, what this part of him believes as the truth is no longer true.

Moving Forward

It might seem that he just needs to change the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made and that is certainly part of it. Nonetheless, for him to truly move on from what happened there will be pain for him to face and work through and unmet developmental needs for him to experience.

This will be the pain and the needs that he wasn’t able to fully experience and had to be repressed by his brain to ensure his survival.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper