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What can be normal is for a man to spend a lot of time having sex with different women, or he might spend a lot of time dating different women. Then again, he might go from one relationship to another.
If this is the case, it will mean that he is seldom, if ever, going to be in a position where he is single and doesn’t have a woman in his life. But if there are moments when he doesn’t have a woman in his life, this can be a time when he becomes very agitated. One Level Now, he could believe that this is because he has needs and, of course, if he is not having sex, dating or in a relationship with a woman, certain needs won’t be met. Based on this, it is to be expected that he would feel uncomfortable if he were in this position. Once he does have a woman in his life, then, he is likely to settle down and be able to focus on other areas of his life. Due to this, there will be no reason for him to take a deeper look into why he would feel this way, as it will just be part of the human experience. Another Level However, what if the reason he feels this way is not simply because his needs are not being met? What if there is another factor that is playing a part in why he would feel this way? At a deeper level, he may be trying to meet needs that were not met during his formative years. These needs will then be outside of his conscious awareness, but they will have a big impact on how he feels, sees life and behaves. A Closer Look Assuming that this is the case, when he has a woman in his life, part of him will believe that he is meeting needs that were not met when he was a boy and younger. This will have a positive effect on him, and it will allow him to release tension. The trouble is that, as he is now a man and not a boy or younger, and another woman is not his mother, it won’t be possible for him to meet his unmet developmental needs. Yet, while this is the case, as he will unconsciously project his mother into a woman, he won’t realise this. A Deeper Level By doing this, when he is with a woman, it will be as though he is receiving what he missed out on during his early years, and this will allow him to experience a sense of wholeness. But as this stage of his life is over and a woman can’t give him what his mother couldn’t, the experience he has won’t last. What this illustrates is that, consciously, he will see that a woman is just another human being and can only meet certain needs. But, at an unconscious level, he will see a woman as his mother and believe that she can give him something that will change him at a fundamental level. A Defence So, as it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on as a boy and younger, it won’t matter how many women he has sex with, who he dates or has a relationship with. Ultimately, the emptiness that he feels internally won’t be filled by anything externally. The only thing that will happen is that he will be deceived and will believe that he is finally receiving what he missed out on as a child. Thanks to this, he will feel more secure and whole, but it won’t last. A Replay Most likely, how he is behaving as an adult is very similar to how he behaved early on. At this stage of his life, he probably struggled to be loved by his mother, believing that this would allow him to receive what he needed. But, as his mother was probably unable to provide him with what he needed, as she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a child, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did. Early on, this struggle wouldn’t have worked as his mother couldn’t love him, but now that he is an adult, it won’t work because this developmental stage of his life has passed. It's Over If it wasn’t too late, then all the sex, affection, attunement and attention, for instance, he has received from women over the years would have changed him at a deeper, emotional level. For this to happen, he will need to take a step back from women and connect to his body, so that he can face and process the pain that he couldn’t fully experience as a boy and was repressed and experience his unmet developmental needs that were also repressed. By taking a step back from women, it will undermine his secondary defence and stop him from being able to release tension, which will make it easier for him to connect to how he really feels. This won’t be comfortable, but it is a necessary step in him gradually facing himself and no longer looking for something that he can’t receive. A brutal Time The pain and unmet needs that he will be connecting to are likely to be a consequence of him being brought up by a mother who was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. He would have missed out on the attunement, care, support and affection that he needed. To handle being ignored, rejected, invalidated, smothered and even abandoned, his brain would have repressed the pain that he was in and a number of his needs. This would have involved him losing touch with his connected, embodied and fully feeling true self, and creating a disconnected, disembodied and not fully feeling false self. One option If he hadn’t adapted in this way, he would have probably been overwhelmed, and his life might have come to an end. What would have helped him to manage the tension that he was in was the hope that, if he became who she wanted and behaved how she wanted, he would be loved. Many, many years will have passed, but due to how he adapted and the pain and the unmet needs that are inside him, his adult life will have a lot in common with his childhood. Thankfully, as he faces and processes his pain and experiences his unmet developmental needs, his life will gradually change, and he will develop an inner sense of wholeness. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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