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If a man doesn’t have a close connection with his mother and she doesn’t treat him very well either, it doesn’t mean that he will be able to acknowledge this. Instead, he can believe that they are close and that she does treat him well.
What this will illustrate is that he is not seeing clearly and is out of touch with reality. If he were to talk to a friend or family member about his relationship with his mother, they could be surprised by what he says. One Experience Over the years, they might have seen how his mother behaves around him, which can make them wonder why he would be this way. If they were to point out that he is not close to his mother and that she doesn’t treat him well, he could become defensive and deny what they say. What might enter their mind is that he is simply choosing to block out reality. However, although it may seem as though he is choosing to be this way, this is unlikely to be the case. Self-Protection Most likely, at a conscious level, he truly believes that he is close to his mother and that she treats him well. As a result, any evidence that goes against what he believes will end up being blocked out by his brain. Thus, his mother can treat him like dirt, and the people in his life can point out when this has happened but it won’t matter. If he were to face up to the fact that he is not close to her and how she treats him, he would probably find it hard to keep it together and function. A Closer Look The reason for this is that it is likely to unlock a lot of pain and unmet developmental needs. His need to block out reality is then going to be a key part of what stops him from falling apart. He is likely to be this way due to what took place during his formative years. At this stage of his life, his mother was probably emotionally unavailable and didn’t treat him very well. A Brutal Time Assuming that this is what this stage of his life was like, he would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. In addition to this, he would have automatically, and over time, created an inner structure that related to him being close to his mother and being loved by her. This would have played a key part in blocking out what was going on for him internally and externally. Too Much Accept As he was powerless and dependent, he wasn’t in a position to face up to the fact that he couldn’t connect to his mother and wasn’t loved by her. Thanks to his brain’s ability to deceive him, then, he could experience a false sense of connection, love, safety, and security. Furthermore, he would have lived in the hope that, if he became who she wanted and behaved how she wanted, she would love him. She probably couldn’t provide him with what he needed, but this hope would have served as a secondary defence. It’s over This is because it would have made it easier for him to block out reality and release tension. Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, of course, but as he is still carrying most, if not all, of the pain and unmet developmental needs inside him, his need to block out reality will continue. If he were to face reality, he is likely to experience the terror and despair, along with other feelings and sensations that he wasn’t able to fully experience as a child and had to repress. He would then end up being overwhelmed and wouldn’t be able to function. The catalyst For him to be able to see clearly, he might need to experience a breakup, a loss or a serious illness. What this can do is undermine his defence structure and force him to not only face reality but also how he feels. Moving Forward This will be a time when he has pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience, and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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