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If someone were to think about their early years, they could remember some of the moments when they were mistreated. This may have been a stage of their life when they were often ignored, rejected, put down, humiliated, and even physically harmed.
Therefore, the person or people who were supposed to protect, care for, support, validate, affirm and encourage them would have typically done the complete opposite. Thanks to what they went through during this stage of their life, one thing that they can struggle with is feeling good about themselves and as though they deserve to be here and have their needs met. One Big Battle If so, it will be normal for them to feel low and depressed, and they might even have moments when they think about ending their life. When they think about calling it a day, it can be because they are suffering so much and can’t see a way out of the life that they are living. Not being here will then be seen as the only way for them to experience life differently. Additionally, they can experience so much shame that they fear that they will be rejected and ostracised if they do reach out for support. A lot To Carry If they fear reaching out and keep what is going on to themselves, it will be important for them to keep in mind that there are people out there who will be understanding and supportive. Also, they can keep in mind, even if their mind rejects this and it doesn’t go in right now, is that they have inherent worth and are lovable. Naturally, due to the experiences that they had, a big part of them is not going to be able to accept that they have inherent worth and are lovable. To this part of them, this can be seen as something that, ultimately, has no basis in reality. A Big Question Now, what can often cross their mind, when they think about this stage of their life is why their mother and/or father treated them in this way. But for a long time, they might not have really thought about this. The reason for this is that, as their underdeveloped brain would have personalised what took place, it would have been as if they just deserved to be treated in this way. Yet, as part of them came to see that this wasn’t the truth, they would have started to wonder why they were treated so badly. A natural outcome Most likely, their mother and perhaps their father were deeply wounded human beings who had lost touch with their humanity. Assuming that it was only one parent who was abusive, this parent was probably also abused during their formative years. To handle what happened, they would have probably lost touch with their connected and feeling true self and created an unfeeling, disconnected and inflated false self. Adapting in this way would have allowed them to keep it together and function, but it would have come at a great cost. The Next Stage The years would then have passed since the stage of their life when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded, but they would have continued to be in a disconnected state. Furthermore, their system would have carried most, if not all, of the pain and unmet developmental needs that their brain had repressed. Thus, when they had a child, not only wouldn’t they have been in a position to provide them with the love that they needed, as they themselves were not loved, but they would have also been moments when they unconsciously projected the parent that they had into their powerless, dependent and innocent child. When this took place, they would have expressed the anger, rage, hate, disgust and contempt toward their child that they were unable to express toward their parent when they were being abused. Unable To See Clearly They might then have generally had a strong grip on reality and been able to function, but during these moments, they would have completely lost touch with it. To a big part of them, their child would have been the parent who abused them and abusing them would have been seen as the right thing for them to do, and they might have even justified their behaviour. Even so, they would then have been experiencing a form of indirect revenge. This would have stopped them from being able to see that their child was innocent and didn’t deserve to be treated like they were nothing. Moving Forward What this illustrates is that how they treated them had absolutely nothing to do with them; it was simply a reflection of what was going on for their abusive parent. The trouble was that, as they were egocentric at this stage of their life and had no other point of reference, it would have been taken to heart. For them to gradually realise, at the core of their being, that how they were treated wasn’t their fault and that they have inherent worth and are lovable, they will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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