Early Deprivation: Did Someone Have To Develop A Fantasy Bond If They Had Abusive Parents?

Although someone could say that they are close to one or both of their parents, it doesn’t mean that this is actually the case. And, to the outsider, this could be something that is perfectly clear.

This is because, when they are with them, assuming this relates to one parent, their parent could typically treat them like an object. They are then not going to be a separate human being who has their own needs, feelings and challenges; they will be an extension of them and exist to meet their needs.

Undermined

Therefore, when they are around them, they are likely to give a lot but receive very little. They can spend a lot of time listening to and doing things for their parent.

If they do open up about their own challenges, for instance, they could soon be ignored or told what to do. This parent could also often be very critical, with them making out that they are useless and incapable.

The next Stage

After they have spent time around them, they might not allow themselves to get angry, but they could feel frustrated and low for a little while. However, what might soon enter their mind is that this is just what their parent is like and that they do love them.

Before long, they could soon be doing something, with them forgetting all about this interaction. However, they might end up dating, and this could be a time when they take a closer look at their relationship with their parent.

One Scenario

Assuming that this is the case, the person they are dating could end up meeting their parent. Now, their parent could be on their best behaviour, so to speak, but the signs could still be there.

After this interaction ends, the person they are dating could say that their parent doesn’t treat them very well. But what they say could be dismissed, with one making it clear that this is just what their parent is like and that they do love them.

Stepping Back

After thinking about this and other things that the person has said who they are dating, they could start to reflect on their relationship with their parent. What might end up standing out is that they don’t really have much of a relationship.

They will then talk to each other and have moments when they are physically close, but they won’t be emotionally close or treated like they have any worth. If they were to think about what it was like for them as a child, they might notice that it wasn’t much different then.

Confusion

If this is what they have concluded, they might wonder why they have such a strong need to not see their parent clearly and face reality. But as strange as this is likely to be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense.

During this stage of their life, their parent was probably emotionally unavailable and out of reach, and they may have mistreated them. As a result, they wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to them or receive the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed.

A Tough Time

However, as they were powerless and dependent, they were unable to face up to the fact that they couldn’t connect to their parent and a number of their needs were not consistently, if ever, being met. Due to this, to help them manage the terror and despair that this would have caused them, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs

Along with this, they developed an inner construct where they were close to them and were loved. This inner construct would have allowed them to experience a sense of safety, security and love; something that really didn’t exist externally.

Self-Protection

If their brain hadn’t repressed how they felt and a number of their needs or developed this inner construct, what was going on internally and externally would have been too much for them to handle. With this in mind, not seeing their parent clearly now and blocking out reality will have a negative impact on them, but back then, it kept them alive.

But even though it is having a negative impact on them, it is helping to stop pain and unmet developmental needs from flooding their conscious mind and overwhelming them. In other words, it is playing a key part in their ability to keep it together and function.  

Moving Forward

For them to gradually see their parent clearly and face reality, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk