Early Deprivation: How Can A Narcissistic Parent Behave If Their Adult Child Cuts Them Out Of Their Life?

After having been mistreated as a child and as an adult, someone might decide that it is best for them to no longer talk to or see their abusive parent. However, it might have taken them a long time to arrive at this point.

One reason for this can be that, although this parent is having a negative impact on them, they will still be their parent. Thus, they will have always been part of their life, and they will have formed an attachment to them.

Another part

And yet, they might have also thought about how, as this was the case, they should have treated them better then and treat them better now. Assuming that this is so, they will see that they don’t owe them anything, especially as they provided them with the bare minimum when they were growing up.

This is not to say that they didn’t have somewhere nice to live or even good food to eat, for instance, but that they would have received crumbs emotionally. The attachment that they formed would then have partly been the result of the time they spent with them and the trauma that they experienced.

External Feedback

Additionally, after speaking about what they planned to do with a few friends, they might have been told that they shouldn’t turn their back on their parent. They might have made out that this would be the wrong thing for them to do.

These people might not have really cared about what they went through as a child or the misery that they experience as an adult by having this parent in their life. This can show that the people they spoke to had a very different childhood and have a very different relationship with their parents.

Another Scenario

Or, it can show that they are simply not ready to acknowledge what did happen at this stage of their life and is still happening. If they have spoken to a few family members and they haven’t been supportive, it can show that they are in denial and are not ready to face reality.

Still, they might have spoken at least one person who has been in their position and fully understands why they would have come to this conclusion. This will be someone who has faced up to how brutal their childhood was and doesn’t want to spend their adult life experiencing a lot of the same things.

The Next Step

Before long, they could meet their abusive parent in person or send them a message, and make it clear that they no longer want to speak to or see them. Then again, they might just block their number and no longer speak to them.

If, they don’t live anywhere near them and are in another country, they might see this as the best option. This can be because they have endlessly tried to get through to his parent but not have made any progress, and decided that simply cutting their ties with them indirectly is the best option.

The outcome

If they do speak to them directly, their abusive parent could end up criticising them and talking about all of the things that they have done for them over the years. They could make out that they are not only betraying them but are abandoning them.

Alternatively, or if this doesn’t work, they could make out that they wouldn’t be able to cope without them, and they need them. Therefore, they will act like they are the victim and try to make them feel guilty.

The Same Old Story

Assuming that something like this happens, they could think about how this is nothing new. As has more or less always been the case, this parent won’t put themselves in their shoes or reflect on why their adult child is behaving in this way.

Most likely, this parent won’t have the emotional capacity to put themselves in their shoes or be interested in reflecting on their own behaviour. The reason for the former is that they are likely to be developmentally stunted, and, as for the latter, if they were to reflect on their own behaviour, this would probably cause them to come into contact with part of themselves that would undermine their inflated sense of themselves.

Their priority

Under their inflated sense of themselves, there is likely to be the pain and the unmet developmental needs they had to repress during their formative years. The disconnected, unfeeling and inflated self that they have is then serving as a defensive structure that allows them to keep it together and function.

It is then not that they are choosing to block out reality and feedback that goes against their view of themselves; it is that this is something that takes place automatically to ensure that they don’t fall apart. Deep down, her modus operandi is probably something like - if I don’t maintain this view of myself and block out reality, I will be flooded with pain and annihilated.

Another Element

This is, of course, probably an experience that they often had when they were a child or younger, which is why they are alienated from themselves and have a weak connection with reality. If, then, this parent ends up making out that they are the victim and their child is the bad one to others after they have cut their ties with them, it won’t be a surprise.

Once again, the purpose of what they say and the narrative that they present will be a way for them to receive the feedback that will help to strengthen their defences and allow them to avoid their own pain. Ergo, it won’t matter what is true or what isn’t; what matters is ensuring their psychological survival.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, cutting their ties with someone who is abusive and too defended to face reality is the sensible thing to do. This parent is unlikely to ever change.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk