Early Deprivation: What Can A Man Believe About Relationships If His Father Was Abused By His Mother?

At this point in time, a man could be in a relationship that is anything but loving. So, he can be with a woman who is typically emotionally distant and has very little interest in how he feels, seldom listens to what he has to say, regularly puts him down and humiliates him, and she might even become physically violent at times.

He might have been with her for a number of weeks, months or years. But, no matter how long he has been with her, she will have an undermining effect on him and his life.

His Experience

Thanks to what is going on, he can have the tendency to be on edge when he is around her and even when he isn’t. At other times, he can feel very low, and he might even think about ending his life.

And, when he is not on edge and or feeling very low, he can be in a shut down state, with this being a time when he is numb and can’t feel anything. What this will illustrate is how traumatised he is and how beaten down he has become.

External Support

Now, he might not have told anyone about what is going on for him, but some people in his life might realise what is going on. Or, he might have told at least one person about what he is going through.

If he can relate to the latter, they might have told him that he doesn’t deserve to be treated in this way and needs to leave her. Along with this, they might have offered to help him break up with her and even offered him somewhere else to live, if he needed it.

One Scenario

But, even if this has taken place, he might not have accepted his friend's ​offer and continued to behave in the same way. He will then have stayed with a woman who is not good for him.

Before long, though, something can happen that will bring their relationship to an end. For example, she could leave him, or he could become so exhausted or unwell that he is no longer able to live in the same way.

The next Stage

After this has taken place, and after he has started to get back on his feet, he can start to wonder why he ended up with a woman like this and stayed with her for so long. After this, he might see that this is not the first time that he has been in this position.

As confusing as this can be, especially if he has been in this position before, if he were to go back in time and observe what his early years were like, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a time when his father was more or less treated in the same way by his mother.

A Dysfunctional Environment

There would then have been very little, if any, love between them, and his father would have largely been treated like dirt. It would then have been normal for him to see his father being deprived of his mother’s warmth and affection, to be put down, humiliated and even physically harmed.

Due to how his father was treated by her, he is also likely to have often felt angry, low and even thought about ending his life. In general, his father might have just put up with what was going on, having the odd moment when he lost his temper and threatened to leave, but never did.

The Message

His father would have been a beaten-down man and not have had the strength to stand up to, let alone get away from, a woman who was toxic. As to why his father ended up with his mother, it could be because he had been through something traumatic before he met her or because he was undermined during his early years and hadn’t resolved any of it.

Either way, he would have indirectly taught his son that this is what a relationship is like with a woman, and this is how he has to behave. In other words, as he would have identified with his father, he would have believed that, as his father was treated like he was nothing and put up with it, and he was also a man, it meant that he had no value and deserved to be treated in the same way.

Another Element

Furthermore, as his mother abused his father, she probably also abused him. Assuming that this was the case, this would have been another factor that stopped him from developing a felt sense of worth and lovability.

It might go even further than this, as his father might have acted like his mother's enforcer and undermined him to ensure that he pleased her. Thus, as beaten down as his father was, he would have verbally and perhaps physically harmed him.

A Lot to Handle

Taking all this into account, this would have been a stage of his life when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. He wouldn’t have received the safety, security, protection, attunement, care, affection, validation, mirroring, and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

This stage of his life will be over, of course, but due to how traumatised he was and the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made, it won’t be fully behind him. For him to gradually put this stage of his life behind him, there will be a number of steps for him to take.

Moving Forward

He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs for him to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk