Early Deprivation: What Can Happen If A Man Grew Up With A Father Who Had Been Emasculated By His Mother?

If a man steps back and reflects on his life, what he may see is that he has the tendency to be passive, put up with bad behaviour and be depressed. Assuming that this is the case, he can see that he has been this way for most of his life.

What he might wonder is why he lacks energy, rarely stands up for himself and often feels so low. If he does, he might soon conclude that he was simply born this way or that he lacks testosterone, for instance.

Another Angle

But, while this might enter his mind, there is a chance that what took place during his formative years and the impact it had on him is largely the reason why he is this way. This might have been a stage of his life when his father was not in his power.

Instead, his father might have largely been passive, typically put up with bad behaviour, and seldom felt good about himself. If so, it might then seem as though his father’s behaviour has been genetically passed on to him.

A Closer Look

But, while it might seem this way, having a father like this would have shaped his inner model of what a man is like. Thus, his father would have given him an idea of what he would be like as an adult.

Furthermore, he would have modelled his behaviour from a young age. So, as his father generally didn’t assert himself and make it clear when something was wrong, he would have copied this behaviour.

The Outcome

As a result of this, he would have ended up tolerating things that he shouldn’t have tolerated, which would have worn him down and made it hard for him to feel good about himself. Additionally, if it were his mother who was treating his father like he was nothing, his mother would have indirectly sent him the message that this is how men deserve to be treated by women.

Without realising, then, she would have told her son that, as he was male, he had no value and deserved to be punished. Moreover, not only might his mother have abused his father and sent him the message that men have no value, but she might have abused him, too.

All Directions

His mother, the woman who was supposed to build him up and help to prepare him for the real world, would have greatly undermined him. And, to top it off, his mother might have made sure that his beaten-down father helped to make sure that he, her son, was not in his power either.

Ergo, he would have been undermined by not only his mother but also his father. It then wouldn’t have mattered that his father was an adult, as, in general, he wouldn’t have been in a position to stand up for or protect himself, let alone his son.

A Deeply Wounded Human Being

When it comes to why his mother would have treated both his father and him in this way, it is likely to show that her mother and/or father abused their power when she was a child. This would then have given her a fear of being controlled and dominated.

Consequently, to handle what happened, she would have developed a disconnected, unfeeling and overly masculine false self. And, although she wouldn’t have respected or loved her son’s father, she wouldn’t have felt threatened by him.

The other Side

Most likely, he was already somewhat beaten down when she met him and over time, she made sure he was even more beaten down. If his father was already beaten down, it would have meant that he didn’t just happen to meet a woman who was abusive.

Perhaps his father had been through a loss and was weakened by this, or maybe he was beaten down during his formative years. Either way, it wouldn’t have taken much for his father to be knocked right down and to allow himself to be totally controlled by a woman.

Drawing the Line
Taking all this into account, he would have been brought up by two people who were deeply wounded. This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

To handle what happened, he would have lost touch with his connected and embodied true self and developed a disconnected, disembodied and deflated false self. If he hadn’t been powerless and dependent, he would have been able to change their behaviour or to leave.

Moving Forward

Ultimately, how he was treated wasn’t a reflection of his value or lovability; it was simply a reflection of how wounded his parents were. For him to gradually move on from what happened, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk