Early Deprivation: What Can Happen If A Man Had A Mother Who Couldn’t Mirror Back His Value?18/7/2025
If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may find is that he often feels low. Along with this, he might also have moments when he thinks about ending his life.
As to how long his life has been this way, he may find that it has been this way for as long as he can remember. Then again, he may find that he experiences life in this way after he has gone through a breakup. One Scenario If this is the case, a few weeks or months ago, he might have experienced a breakup. When he was in the relationship, he might not have felt good all the time, but he might have generally been more settled. He could then wonder why he feels so different now that it has come to an end. Of course, he could see that he will no longer be receiving affection or having sex with a woman, and this is having an impact, but he can believe that this shouldn’t cause him to feel so low. The Next Stage After a while, he can settle down and find that he no longer spends as much time feeling low. If his inner state shifts and he starts to spend more time feeling good, it can be because he starts seeing another woman. During this time, he is likely to spend time with a woman who looks at him and is present, receive affection and have sex. At this point, he could start to wonder why he typically only feels good about himself when he is with a woman. One Angle Now, regardless of whether he is or isn’t seeing a woman, the reason that he is unable to feel good about himself without a woman’s attention may be because of what took place during his formative years and the impact it had on him. This may have been a stage of his life that was anything but nurturing. Instead of having a mother who was generally attuned and caring, he might have had a mother who was generally unattuned and uncaring. Being unseen, unheard, rejected, and even left would have been a normal part of his formative years. Another Element Along with this, as the years passed, he might have often been criticised, humiliated, and even physically harmed. His mother wouldn’t have treated him like a being that was valuable and lovable; she would have treated him like a being that was worthless and unlovable. He would then have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded, with him missing out on the nutrients that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle what was going on and keep it together and function, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. No Choice The outcome of this is that he would have lost touch with his connected and feeling true self and developed a disconnected, unfeeling and outer-directed false self. He would have also lived in the hope that, if he became who she wanted and did what she wanted, he would be loved by her. But, as she probably wasn’t able to provide him with what she needed, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. Still, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence that helped to keep his pain at bay and blocked out what his mother was actually like. The Other Part Furthermore, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised how his mother treated him. It was then not that his mother couldn’t see his value or lovability; it was that he was worthless and unlovable. In reality, his mother probably couldn’t see his value and lovability because she had unconsciously projected the parts of herself that she had disowned into him. These parts of her are likely to be a consequence of what she experienced during her formative years. Back In Time This is likely to have been a time when her value and lovability also wasn’t mirrored back to her. At this stage of her life, she was probably also rejected, left, criticised, humiliated and even physically harmed. She would then have felt worthless and unlovable, but these feelings would have ended up being repressed by her brain and she may have developed a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated false self. The years would then have passed, but she would have stayed in this state, and what she had lost touch with would have been unconsciously projected into her son. Moving Forward Therefore, while she mistreated her son, at a deeper level, she mistreated the part of herself that she had disowned. If she had faced the part herself that she had disowned and integrated it, she would have been able to see her son more clearly. The outcome of this is that she would have mirrored back his worth and lovability, and thereby, he would have been able to develop a felt sense of worth and lovability. With this in mind, for him to change his life, he will have conditioning to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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