Early Deprivation: What Can Happen If A Man Had A Mother Who Dehumanised Him?

What can be normal is for a man to feel low and even depressed, and he might even have moments when he thinks about ending his life. As for what his life is like, it is likely to be anything but fulfilling.

So, he can have a job that is soul-destroying, or he might have a job that is fulfilling but has been at the same level for years. When it comes to his relationships, he might not have any close friends, and could have people in his life who regularly put him down.

Another Area

He might not be dating or be in a relationship with a woman, or he could be with a woman who doesn’t treat him very well. If he can relate to the former, he might have been with at least one woman who didn’t treat him very well.

If he can relate to the latter, he might have been with her for a number of months or years. As a result of this, he is going to be with a woman who is having a negative impact on his wellbeing and life.

Stepping Back

Now, if he were to reflect on how he often feels, he can see that he spends a lot of time feeling angry, frustrated, worthless, ashamed, helpless and hopeless. He might believe that if his life were different, he would feel different.

He could then imagine having a fulfilling job or career, supportive friends and being in a loving relationship, and feel good about himself. The outcome of this is that he could look into what he can do to change his life.

One Route

First, he could look into what he needs to do to be with a woman who is loving and supportive. After a number of weeks or months, or longer, of applying what he has learnt, he could meet and start dating a woman who is different.

However, it might not be long until he starts to feel uncomfortable and unconsciously does what he can to sabotage their relationship. For example, he could end up cheating or accuse her of cheating.

The outcome

Irrespective of how he behaves, it might not be long until his time with her comes to an end. After this has taken place, he might blame her for what has happened and believe that if she had behaved differently, they would still be together.

Yet, as time passes, he can become aware of how he started to feel uncomfortable and unworthy of being with a woman who treated him well. He might see that he simply couldn’t accept that she could love and want to be with him.

The other Side

Assuming that he realises this, he can see that what is going on externally is not the cause; it is an effect of what is going on for him internally. At this point, he can wonder why he feels so worthless and unlovable and doesn’t have an empowering self-image.

What can enter his mind is how he feels and sees himself is irrational, as there is no reason for him to feel or see himself in this way. However, as strange as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense.

Back In Time

This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was not only emotionally unavailable and out of reach, but she also often put him down, humiliated him, and even physically harmed him. He would then have missed out on the attunement, care, support, mirroring, and love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Therefore, being ignored, rejected, abandoned, and treated like he was nothing would have been a normal part of his childhood. To handle not having a number of his needs met and the pain that this caused him, he would have lost touch with his connected and feeling true self and formed a disconnected, unfeeling and deflated false self.

Another Element

And, as he was egocentric and unable to see that his mother was a deeply wounded human being who couldn’t love him, he would have personalised what took place. It was then not that his mother wasn’t able to mirror back his value and lovability; it was that he was worthless and unlovable.  

In a way, he was like a blank canvas and whatever his mother painted onto him, he accepted. The parts of herself that she wasn’t able to acknowledge, let alone work through, ended up being projected into him and seen as a reflection of him.

Generational Harm

Most likely, she had also been treated as though she were nothing during her formative years. It might not have started there either, as it could go back even further than this.

To handle being treated in this way, she would have lost touch with her connected and feeling true self and developed a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated false self. She would then have seen herself as more-than-human, while he, her son, would have seen himself as less-than-human.

Moving Forward

The truth is that he has inherent worth and is lovable; however, for him to realise this, there will be a number of steps for him to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk