Early Deprivation: What Can Happen If A Man Had An Authoritarian Mother?

Although a man needed an attentive and caring mother, he may have had a mother who was seldom, if ever, attentive or caring. Throughout this stage of his life, she might have been more like his master than his mother.

The outcome of this is that he would have been more like her slave than her son. It then wouldn’t have typically occurred to her that he was a separate individual who had his own needs and feelings, as he would have been seen as her possession.

One purpose

Thus, it was not her responsibility to provide him with the love that he needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way and be able to handle the real world; no, it was her son’s responsibility to meet her needs. Based on how she behaved, it would have been as if she had lost touch with reality.

It would have been as if she were living in a different era, with this being an era when she was the ruler of a large empire. Her son was then someone who had been captured in another territory and was now her property.

Day-To-Day Life

So, during his early years, his mother would have expected a lot from him, whilst giving him very little. Like a slave, his basic needs are likely to have typically been met, but that’s about it.

It was not that she was there for him; it was that he was there for her. If he didn’t do as she wanted, he is likely to have been punished in one way or another.

One Scenario

At times, she might have used the stick and at others, the carrot. When it comes to the former, she might have become very critical, threatened to leave him or physically harmed him.

There may have been times when she did leave him, and he ended up being isolated. When it comes to the latter, she might have said that if he did what she wanted, he would get ‘fill-in-the-blank’ or be able to do ‘fill-in-the-blank’.

Another part

Along with this, she might have said that if he didn’t do as she wanted, his father would punish him. If so, it wouldn’t have just been his mother who punished him; his father would have also punished him.

His father might have typically acted like his mother’s enforcer. However, he might have also been dominated by her and been like a slave who had a slightly higher position.

No Voice

Thanks to how he was treated, he would have been sent the message that he had endless responsibilities, but he had no rights. Apart from his basic needs, his needs were not seen as important.

As for his feelings, they would have been also seen as having no importance. His mother was then on her throne and had the right to talk, but as he was not just smaller than her but also seen as having no value, he wasn’t able to talk; he had to listen and do as he was told.

A Brutal Time

A stage of his life then when he needed human warmth and support was a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle being in such an unresponsive and unsupportive environment, the only option was for his brain to repress how he felt and a number of his needs.

This wouldn’t have changed what was going on, of course, but it would have stopped him from being consciously aware of the pain that he was in and the needs that were not being met. He would have been forced to lose touch with his connected, true self and develop a disconnected, false self.

The Fall Out

This stage of his life will be over, but after having these experiences, he could find that he is not in a good way now that he is an adult. What can be normal is for him to ignore a number of his needs and how he feels, and to focus on pleasing others.

He will then act like an extension of others and end up neglecting himself. Additionally, he can find that he often feels low and down, and questions whether he deserves to live a life that is worth living.

Moving Forward

But, as he will have had a childhood that greatly undermined him as opposed to a childhood that built him up, it is to be expected that he wouldn’t be in a good way. Still, the truth is that he didn’t deserve to be treated like he was nothing; he has inherent value and is lovable.

For him to gradually change his life, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk