Early Deprivation: What Can Happen If A Man Was Sacrificed By His Father To Appease His Abusive Mother?

During a man’s formative years, he needed to feel safe and secure and be loved. This would have allowed him to stay connected to himself and connect to his mother and father.

Thanks to this, he would have been able to gradually go from a dependent to an interdependent human being. This stage of his life would then have built him up and given him what he needed to stand on his own two feet and be in his power.

A Different Scenario

However, while this is what he needed at this stage of his life, this might not have been what took place. Instead, this may have been a stage of his life when both his mother and father undermined him.

So, when he was an infant and a toddler, he may or may not have received what he needed, but when he was a child, he might have suffered. The reason for this is that his mother might have not only been emotionally unavailable and out of reach, but she might have been abusive, too.

A Rough Time

If so, she might have typically been emotionally unstable, and it would have been normal for her to be critical, to shout and to cause physical harm. And, to top it off, if he didn’t behave how she wanted him to behave, he might have often been disciplined by his father.

Assuming that this was what happened, his mother would have been the one who was abusive, but his father would have followed her orders. It then would have mattered if he knew better, as he would have been her enforcer.

An Analogy

It would have then been as though his mother was a monster or a god, and his father were a slave who made sure that he did what he could to make sure her demands were met.  One of her biggest demands would have been to make sure her son behaved as she wanted him to.

But, no matter how she and his father forced him to behave, it wouldn’t have satiated her appetite for control. Nonetheless, after being treated like this for a number of years, it is likely to have been far easier for them to keep him in line.

Beaten Down

Over time, he is likely to have lost touch with his connected true self and developed a disconnected, deflated and outer-directed false self. The connection that he had to his feelings, needs and instincts would then have been severed.

Ultimately, he would have been stripped of his power and emasculated. He would have gradually been moulded into someone who was passive, submissive and had no sense of his own power or worth.

A Bizarre Scenario

Taking this into account, his mother would have clearly been the abusive one, but as his father had the inclination to follow her orders, he would have caused a lot of harm. It can seem strange why he would have acted in this way, especially as he would have probably been physically stronger than her.

It’s then similar to a tiger that allows itself to be controlled by a cat; it doesn’t make any sense. But, as odd as this may appear to be, what it illustrates is that while someone can be physically stronger than another, they can still be psychologically controlled by them.

A Closer Look

Thus, while his father was probably physically stronger than his mother, his father might have already been in a bad way when he met his mother. Along with this, his father might have had a soft disposition.

His mother, on the other hand, was probably in a bad way before she met his father and had a hard disposition. His father would then have gradually been worn down or worn down even more than he was, and his mother would have dominated him.

A Natural Outcome

As a result of this, he would have been a broken man and in no position to stand up for and protect his son. His priority would have been to do what he could to try to settle this monster or god down, to make his life easier.

And, as he was doing his best to survive and not be on the receiving end of her abuse, the last thing on his mind was likely to have been what his son needed to grow and develop in the right way or the impact his behaviour would have on him as the years passed. The trouble was that, as he was with a woman who couldn’t be pleased, it wouldn’t have mattered what he made his son do or how he treated him, as her behaviour wouldn’t have changed.

Moving Forward

Considering all this, he was brought up by two people who were deeply wounded and unable to provide him with the love that he needed. It is then not that he is worthless or unlovable.

For him to accept this, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk