Early Deprivation: What Can Happen If A Woman Had To Develop A Fantasy Bond With Her Father?

If a woman were to think about her relationship with her father, what might cross her mind is that they are close. Therefore, if a friend were to ask about what her relationship is like with her father, she is likely to have good things to say about it.

However, although this is what she can say, when it comes to the relationships that she has had with men over the years, they might not have been very fulfilling. For example, most of the men that she has been with might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

A Big Difference

From this, it will be clear that her relationship with her father is radically different to how it is when she is with a man. Due to this, she can often think about how other men don’t match up to her father.

Now, this can be something that her friends and perhaps other family members back up, or it might not be this black and white. If it isn’t, it can mean that some of these people can have a radically different view.

One Scenario

For example, some of them might see that although she believes that she has a good relationship with her father, they might have seen things that don’t reflect this. They might describe him as being emotionally unavailable and distant.

If this relates to a family member, they might also see that this is how her father has been since she was a child. After seeing how different her view is from what her relationship is actually like with him, they can be confused.

One Scenario

But if someone in her life, who can see that there is a big difference, were to share their thoughts with her, it doesn’t mean that what they say would be heard and accepted. She could become defensive and dismiss what they say.

She might even end up falling out with them, which would show how convinced she is that her view of her relationship with her father is accurate. If she were to react in this way, it doesn’t mean that she won’t think about what has been said at a later stage of her life.

Stepping Back

Assuming that she were to see that her relationship with her father is similar to what her relationships are like with men, she can wonder why she hasn’t been able to see this. What might enter her mind is that there must be something wrong with her.

But even if she does respond in this way, it doesn’t mean that this is actually the case. What this can show is that her early years were a time when she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded and had to block out reality in order to survive.

Back In Time

From a very young age, she might have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection, protection and support that she needed. Her mother might have been more available than her father, or she might not.

Either way, to handle what happened, she would have had to block out her inner and outer reality. Her brain would then have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs, and she would have developed an inner construct that related to her being close to her father, if not her mother.

A Fantasy

In her mind, she would have believed that she was close to her father and that he loved her. As she was powerless and dependent, she needed to maintain her connection to and be loved by him.

So, thanks to her brain's ability to deceive her, she was able to experience a sense of safety, security and love. with how she felt having very little basis in reality. This would have played a key part in keeping the terror and despair outside of her conscious awareness and thereby keep it together and function.

It’s Over

This stage of her life will now be over, of course, but as she is still carrying most, if not all, of the pain and her unmet developmental needs, a big part of her will do what it can to ensure that she maintains her idealised view of her father and doesn’t face reality, as this would be overwhelming. She is not choosing to block out what it is like and was like with her father, though; this is something that takes place automatically.

Another part of this is that, deep down, she is likely to live in the hope that, if she struggles for her father’s life, he will provide her with what she missed out on. This is because, at this deeper level, as she doesn’t have a sense of time and is blind, she won’t realise that, as this stage of her life is over, it is too late for her to receive what she missed out on.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for her to see her father clearly and for her relationships with men to no longer reflect how it was with her father during her early years, there will be a number of steps for her to take. There will be beliefs for her to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness
If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk