Early Deprivation: What Can Happen If Mans Mother Projected Her Disowned Darkness Into Him?

What a man may find, if he were to step back and reflect on his life, is that he often feels worthless, down and even has moments when he thinks about ending his life. He might see that he has only started to feel this way in recent years, or he might see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember.

Now, he might decide to keep this to himself, or he might reach out to a trusted friend. If he does reach out and talks about what is going on for him, his friend could be very understanding and supportive.

External Support

They could say that how he feels is irrational and has no basis in reality. After this, they could say that he has inherent worth, is lovable, and he deserves to not only be here, but live a fulfilling life.

Assuming that they were to say this or something similar, part of him could agree with them. Still, he could say that while part of him can’t accept this, another, bigger part of him can’t.

What’s going on?

At this point, he can wonder why he often feels so bad about himself and low. He might not be able to think about anything that he has done that would cause him to feel this way.

In fact, he can see that, in general, he has lived a moral life. It is then not going to be possible for him to pinpoint one thing, let alone a number of things that he has done, that would justify him feeling the way that he often does.

One Conclusion

After this, he might believe that he must have been born this way. It can then be as if how he feels has been passed down genetically.

However, even if he does come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that there is any truth to it. Instead, what took place during his early years and the impact this had on him could largely be why he is this way.

Back In Time

During his formative years, his mother might have been anything but nurturing and loving. This might have been a time when she was not only emotionally unvaialable and out of reach, but also abusive.

So, he might have often been ignored, rejected, invalidated, put him, humiliated, and even physically harmed by her. Therefore, he wouldn’t have received the attunement, care, affection, validation and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

One Part

This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle seldom, if ever, having a number of his needs met and the pain that this caused him, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

This would have involved him losing touch with his connected true self and developing a disconnected false self. Adapting in this way wouldn’t have changed his mother’s behaviour, of course, but it would have stopped him from fully being aware of the harm that was done to him.

The Second Part

Furthermore, there would have been the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made. He would then have come to believe that the reason his mother wouldn’t meet his needs and love him was because his needs and feelings were bad, and he was worthless and unlovable.

And, by blaming himself, it would have given him a false sense of control and the hope that, if he behaved how she wanted, she would love him. But as futile as this was, it would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to keep it together and function.

The other Side

In truth, the reason that she couldn’t provide him with the love that he needed and treated him like he was nothing is likely to be due to how wounded she was. Most likely, she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years and was also treated like dirt.

To handle this, she would have lost touch with her connected and feeling true self, and developed a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated false self. The years would then have passed, and she would have had a child, but as she was emotionally underdeveloped and disconnected, she wouldn’t have been in a position to mother him.

The Outcome

She would have had very little love to give, and she would have unconsciously projected some of the disowned parts of herself into him. Seeing him as bad and worthless would have served as a defence that helped to stop her from facing how she felt and maintain her inflated view of herself.

If she had faced up to what was going on, she probably would have ended up falling apart. What this illustrates is that her behaviour was a reflection of what was going on for her and had nothing to do with him – she wasn’t able to see him clearly.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for him to gradually change his life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk