Early Deprivation: What Can Happen If Someone Grew Up In An Environment Where They Had To Appease Their Abusive Parent?

During someone’s childhood, what they needed was an environment where they felt safe and secure and were loved. However, they might have grown up in an environment that wasn’t anything like this.

If so, if both of their parents were around, one of them might have been abusive, while the other might have been the enabler. This is not to say that only one of them mistreated them, though, as they both might have mistreated them.

The Difference

In his case, while one of them would have been cruel, the other would have followed their command. Therefore, even though one was cruel and the other was following orders, they would have both had a destructive effect.

It then wouldn’t have mattered that one was not as cruel as the other and knew better. And, irrespective of whether their mother or father was cruel, a lot of damage would have been done.

One propose

Based on how their mother or father behaved, it can be as if they were a monster or a god that needed to be endlessly placated. But, in their case, it wouldn’t have been chickens or people, for instance, that needed to be sacrificed; it was themselves.

They would then have been forced to act as though they were an extension of this parent and please them. If they expressed themselves and made it clear that they didn’t want to do something, they might have been criticised and or/ humiliated.

Another Element

Furthermore, at times, they might have ended up being physically harmed and/or isolated, too. Not doing what this parent wanted, then, would have caused them to suffer to one degree or another.

After a while, they are likely to have lost touch with a number of their own needs and feelings and the desire to express themselves. Self-expression would have come to be associated with something that was a threat to their survival.

Two Parts

As a result of how deprived they were and the conditioning that they received, it is unlikely to matter that this stage of their life is behind them. The reason for this is that they are likely to be in a developmentally stunted state and be out of touch with their connected true self.

If this is so, their emotional self will be frozen in time, and they will have developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self. Therefore, even though what happened will be in the past, to their brain and nervous system, it will be as if it is their present.

A Continuation

What can play a part in them not being able to consciously realise that this stage of their life is over is that the mother or father who they had to appease as a child might still be in their life. Like then, they can still feel the need to please this parent.

This pull can be so strong that they spend a lot of their life doing things for them and very little time doing things for themselves. But, if this parent isn’t in their life, either because they have passed on or they moved far away from them, they could spend a lot of time trying to appease someone else.

For Example

So, they could be in a relationship with someone who is very similar to this parent. Once again, they can be focused on them and spend a lot of time and energy doing things for them.

Regardless of whether they are this way with their parent and/or their partner, they are going to be abandoning themselves, and they will be being used. Naturally, this is not going to serve them and the sooner that they become consciously aware of what is going on, the better.

The Next Stage

When they become consciously aware of what is going on, it will give them a chance to change the direction of their life. This is something that could take place after they have a conversation or read something.

Assuming that this takes place, it might then seem as though they just happened to come across something that allowed them to wake up. Another way of looking at this would be to say that the part of them that is not happy with what is going on, their true self, played a part in them coming across this information.

The Second Stage

After becoming consciously aware of how focused they are on others and their need to please them, they can trace this behaviour back to their early years. They can see that they had to be this way as a child or they would have suffered even more.

However, they can wonder why they are still this way, as this stage of their life is over. But, if they were to imagine changing their behaviour, they could experience fear and anxiety.

Moving Forward

They can find that below this, they believe that they will be harmed, rejected and abandoned, and that their life will come to an end if they change their behaviour. Ultimately, this will be a reflection of what did happen, but as how they felt would have been repressed and not experienced and integrated, what happened will be experienced as something that will happen.

Therefore, for them to gradually put their past behind them and be able to freely express themselves, they will have conditioning to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk

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