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If someone were to step back and reflect on how they behave, what they may see is that it is hard for them to just be and relax. Not only this, but they can also find it hard to freely express themselves.
If this is so, they are going to spend a lot of time doing things, and what they do can typically be what they feel they have to do. They might see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. One Area When they are around their friends and family, they can become very focused on them and do what they can to please them. As a result, they will lose touch with what is going on inside them and hide themselves. Some of the people in their life could also be very controlling, critical and often treat them like they are nothing. Assuming that this is the case, although they will erase themselves and do a lot for these people, they won’t be valued and appreciated for what they do. A Closer Look But, as unfulfilling as their life will be, it doesn’t mean that they will just be able to change their behaviour. If they were to live a life where they are connected to and freely express themselves, they might feel liberated, alive and grateful. However, before long, they could experience anxiety and even fear, and have the need to go back to how they were before. If they were to stay with how they feel, they may find that they expect to be criticised, humiliated, harmed and even abandoned. A Natural Reaction If this is the experience that they have when they simply imagine experiencing life differently, it won’t be a surprise that they live in a way that is not serving them. At this point, they might conclude that there is no reason for them to be this way. What might then enter their mind is that there is something inherently wrong with them. Yet, if they do come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that it has any basis in reality. What’s going on? If they were to think about what it was like for them as a child, they might not be able to remember much. Then again, they could say that this stage of their life wasn’t that bad and that they didn’t go hungry, for instance. But, even if this is what enters their mind, it doesn’t mean that it reflects what this stage of their life was actually like. This stage of their life might have been anything but nurturing. Back In Time If it were depriving time, from a very young age, one or both of their parents might have treated them like a malfunctioning machine that they owned and needed to be kept in line at all times. They were not seen as a separate human being who had needs, feelings, and their own life to lead. Thanks to this, they would have constantly been told what they could and couldn’t do, as well as what they could and couldn’t say. In other words, just about every move would have been scrutinised and managed. Resistance Was Futile If they freely expressed themselves and didn’t do what their parent or parents wanted, they might have been put down, humiliated, physically harmed and/or abandoned. It then wouldn’t have been safe enough for them to be and freely express themselves, and the support that they needed to do so wouldn’t have been provided. For them to handle the lack of attunement, care, affection and support, they would have had to lose touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Another Part Their parent or parents’ critical nature would have also been internalised over time. The purpose of this inner voice wasn’t to harm them; it was to ensure that they didn’t behave in a way that might cause them to be harmed or abandoned, and for their life to end. Furthermore, as they were egocentric, they would have believed that their needs and feelings were bad, that they were worthless and unlovable, and that their parent or parents owned them. Nonetheless, how their parent or parents treated them was likely to have been a sign of how wounded they were, as opposed to a reflection of their worth or lovability. Moving Forward Taking this into account, their needs and feelings are not bad, they are not worthless or unlovable, and no one else owns them. For them to realise this and gradually reconnect to their embodied, connected and fully feeling true self, and develop a more supportive inner voice, there will be a number of steps for them to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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