Early Deprivation: What Can Someone Believe If They Were Brought Up In An Enmeshed Family?

Even though someone acts as though they are merely an extension of their family, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. The reason for this is that this can just be what is normal.

As a result of this, their main focus will be on doing what they can to please the people in their family. Or perhaps to be more precise, what they can do to please their mother or father, or whoever else is the head of the family and makes the decisions.

Secondary Importance

They are then going to be an autonomous human being who has their own needs and feelings, and life to lead, but they won’t act as if this is the case. Consequently, although they might have their own job, when they are not working, they can be doing things for one or a number of their family members.

They can have a family member who is constantly asking them to do things, taking away their need to find out what it is that they need. Yet, even if it is not this black and white, due to how focused they are on them, they might not need to be asked.

Endless Giving

Thanks to how much they give, they are likely to spend a lot of time feeling drained. However, what can be normal is for them to ignore how they feel and to carry on behaving in the same way.

Yet, as they will not only be giving a lot but receiving very little in return, it is to be expected that they would often be washed out. Ultimately, they will be living in a way that is not serving their highest good.

External Feedback

Before long, they may arrive at a point where they are no longer able to behave in this way. At this point, they can be so exhausted that they are unable to get out of bed.

If this doesn’t happen, though, what might cause them to step back and reflect on their life is if they were to start a relationship. Assuming that this was to happen, their partner can point out that they are overly focused on their family, and this is causing them to abandon themselves.
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Resistance

Nonetheless, it might not be possible for them to hear what their partner is saying at first. They can end up becoming defensive and accuse their partner of just being critical or of having something against their family.

If they do, behaving in this way will be a way for their brain to stop them from coming into contact with pain that has been repressed, as embracing this pain will make it hard for them to keep it together and function. After they have settled down and thought about how they are living, they can see that they are too caught up in their family.

The Next Stage

Nonetheless, if they were to imagine living a life where they are not focused on meeting their family’s needs and are more focused on meeting their own needs, they can feel anxious and fearful. Along with this, they can feel guilty and ashamed.

What this will illustrate is that it is not as simple as them becoming aware of what is going on and changing their behaviour. For their life to change, they are going to need to change at a fundamental level.

One part

One thing that will have an impact on what is taking place inside them and how they behave is what they believe. So, based on how they are experiencing life, they are likely to have some, if not all, of the following beliefs:

• That their needs are bad
• That their feelings are bad
• That their purpose is to please their family
• That they would be betraying their family if they lived their own life
• That they would be rejected if they put themselves first
• That they would be abandoned if they put themselves first
• That they would die if they put themselves first

Back In Time

If they were to find that they have most of these beliefs, they could end up wondering why this is. Most likely, their early years were a time when they didn’t receive the attunement and care that they needed.

From a very young age, they are likely to have been forced to adapt to their mother and/or their father. Instead of receiving what they needed to develop an autonomous sense of self, then, they would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded and forced to focus on and be there for another or others.

The outcome

To handle what happened, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have meant that they lost touch with their connected true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

Their physical and mental self would then have grown, but their emotional self would have been traumatised and stayed frozen in time. This is why they will feel as though they are an extension of their family as opposed to a separate human being.

Another part

Taking this into account, for them to freely express themselves and live their own life, there will be the beliefs that they need to question, and there will be pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk