Early Deprivation: Why Would A Man Have Had A Devouring Mother?

If a man were to think about what his mother is like, he could think about someone who is controlling, critical, cold and domineering. Therefore, when he is around her, he is not going to feel free, supported, loved or valued.

Due to this, he might think that he needs to spend as little time as possible around her. He may even have moments when he thinks about cutting her out of his life, with this being seen as the only way for him to protect himself from her undermining nature.

Inner conflict

Yet, although he doesn’t feel good around her and thinks about spending as little time as possible around her, let alone cutting his ties with her, this could be something that doesn’t feel right. Merely thinking about doing this can result in him experiencing anxiety and guilt.

After this, he can conclude that it wouldn’t be right for him to do this and that he needs to continue to find time for her. Nonetheless, the trouble with him not implementing boundaries with his mother is that he will continue to be undermined by her.

The next Stage

Now, if he were to talk to her about her behaviour and how it is having a destructive effect on him, he might not get very far. She might not listen to what he says and could change the subject, or she could dismiss what he says and make out that he is in the wrong.

She could accuse him of being selfless and only thinking about himself. If she does respond in this way, it will be clear that she is not willing to reflect on her behaviour or put herself in his shoes.

The Outcome

Assuming that this or something similar happens, he can feel guilty and ashamed, and he could end up feeling very low. Based on what is going on for him, it will be as if he is in the wrong and has no right to protect himself from her toxicity.

And, if he were to speak to another family member about this, they might not see his point of view and be supportive. Instead, they can make out that it wouldn’t be right for him to limit the time he spends around his mother, let alone to cut her out of his life.

A Very Different View

As far as they are concerned, his mother can be someone who is charming, generous, kind and supportive, for instance. This person can make out that not only does she do what she can for him now, but that this is how she was when he was younger.

The view that this person has of his mother is then going to relate to what she was typically like in public, not what she was typically like in private. So, how he feels after this conversation can be similar to how he feels after he has spoken to his mother – unsupported, invalidated, invisible and frustrated.

What’s going on?

At this point, he can wonder why he finds it so hard to implement boundaries with his mother and do what is right for him. He can also see that he finds it hard to listen to and assert himself in general.

Furthermore, feeling anxious, fearful, low, worthless, helpless and even suicidal can be a normal part of his life. Another thing that can enter his mind is why his mother is behaving more like his enemy than someone who should be on his side.

Back In Time

Most likely, his mother behaved in the same way during his formative years, which would have caused him to miss out on the attunement, care, mirroring, affection and validation that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. This would then have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach, and used him to meet a number of her needs.

She wouldn’t have been able to accept that he was a separate human being who had his own needs, feelings and life to lead; he would have been her possession, and his purpose was to serve her. This is why, when he expressed himself, he would have been punished in some way and sent the message that this was wrong.

One option

To handle not having a number of his needs met and the pain that this caused him, and minimise the harm that was done to him, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have meant that he lost touch with his connected, feeling and inner-directed true self and developed a disconnected, unfeeling and outer-directed false self.

His underdeveloped brain would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, that he was worthless and unlovable, that his mother owned him and that he had no right to his own life. How he behaves as an adult and the difficulty that he has in standing up to his mother will be a continuation of how it was for him as a boy.

The other Side

As to why his mother behaved in this way during this time and continues to behave in this way, it is likely to be because she is developmentally stunted and, emotionally, didn’t move beyond around three years of age. This was then a time when she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

For her to handle what happened, she would have developed a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated self around her wounded true self. This self would have been a defence against the helplessness, hopelessness and shame that she experienced.

Another part of it

When her son was born, as she hadn’t emotionally separated from her mother, she would have seen him as an extension of herself. And when he started to assert himself and express his autonomy, this would have given her the need to punish him, to ensure that he stopped doing this.

The reason for this is that keeping him close would have served as a secondary defence that stopped her from coming into contact with her own unresolved trauma. This is not to say that she consciously chose to be controlling and domineering, as this is likely to have been something that took place unconsciously and without her even thinking about it.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, his mother was a deeply wounded human being who was out of touch with her own humanity. She hadn’t received what she needed, and this is why she couldn’t provide him with what he needed.

For him to feel comfortable with his needs and feelings, develop a sense of worth and lovability, realise he owns himself, has the right to live his own life, freely express himself, and accept his mother as she is without trying to change her, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk