​Early Deprivation: Why Would A Man Try To Save His Mother?

What a man may see, if he were to step back and reflect on his life, is that he spends a lot of time doing things for his mother. So, this can mean that he often buys things for her and takes her to different places.

Along with this, he can often listen to her talk about her problems and offer advice on what she can do to change her circumstances. However, although she may be grateful for what he does for her, she might not be grateful for or heed his advice.

One Scenario

As a result of this, he can often feel frustrated and angry about how she is. What can also play a part in how he feels it that, if he spends a lot of time being there for her, his own life can be neglected.

What can then cross his mind is something like: as I’m there for you so much and my own life is being ignored, the least you could do is take my advice and apply it to your life. But as fed up as he can be with what is going on, he can feel reluctant to do less for her and more for himself.

Another Factor

What can play a part in this is that his mother might be unwell, and he then feels as though he has to be there for her. He can have the sense that if he isn’t, something bad will happen to her.

Then again, she might not be unwell, but he could still have the need to do so much for her. If he were to speak to a trusted friend about this area of his life, they could be understanding but say that he still has his own life to lead.

A Closer Look

After this, he could question why he is so focused on her and can’t just live his own life, while also doing things for her from time to time. What he may find is that he ends up feeling guilty and anxious.

It will then be as if he were doing something wrong and his survival would be under threat if he changed his behaviour. As he is here to live his own life and his mother is not in control of whether he lives or dies, it could be said that there is no reason for him to be this way.

Confusion

But as strange as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might make sense. During this time, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Furthermore, she might have often been depressed and found it hard to cope with life. He would then have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, and his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

Taken To Heart

But although how he was treated had nothing to do with him, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what happened. He would then have believed that he was worthless and unlovable.

What is also likely to have had an impact on how he came to see himself is that his mother might have often spoken about how much she sacrificed for him, blamed him for how she felt and her issues, and criticised him when he was happy. Consequently, he is likely to have believed that he was to blame for how she was and that it was up to him to make her better.

Not Possible

Instead of being able to be a boy and freely express himself, he would have had to focus on her, meet her needs and do what he could to please her. At this age, as he was powerless and dependent, he had to be accepted and stay connected to her.

If he hadn't been accepted by her and had been rejected and abandoned, he probably would have died. Nonetheless, while adapting in this way would have allowed him to be accepted by her and generally allowed him to stay connected to her and survive, it wouldn’t have changed her behaviour or allowed him to receive the emotional nutrients that he needed.

Two parts

The reason for this is that she had probably come to associate suffering with being connected and surviving, thanks to how depriving her early years were. It wasn’t that she just needed to be rescued, and then she would be ok; it was that she had the need to suffer.

As for why it wouldn’t have allowed him to receive the emotional nutrients that he needed is that she wouldn’t have been able to provide him with them. Emotionally, she probably hadn’t grown beyond being a child and was then incapable of being able to mother him.

Another Element

Lastly, over time, his mother’s behaviour would have been internalised to ensure that he maintained his connection to her. His outer mother would then have become his inner mother.

This inner mother, which would have become part of his superego, would have made sure that he focused on her, met her needs, and wasn’t happy. Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but his superego won’t have been updated.

Moving Forward

Considering all this, he is not here to save his mother, and even if he were, he wouldn’t be able to do so. For him to mentally and emotionally separate from her, he will have a number of steps to take.

He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk