Early Deprivation: Why Would A Woman Attract Men Who Are Emotionally Unavailable?

If a woman were to think about the men she has dated and even had relationships with, she might find that a pattern gradually emerges. She might see that in the beginning, they were available, but as time passed, they became more and more out of reach.

It can then be as though she received what she wanted, but what she wanted was gradually taken away from her. How she felt in the beginning would have been very different to how she felt as the weeks or months passed.

A Closer Look

If she were to think about what it was like when she first started seeing one of these men, she might find that he was often physically available and had a certain level of presence. Thanks to this, she would have often seen him, and when she did see him, she is likely to have felt seen, heard and supported.

Thus, she wouldn’t have just had a man in front of her; she would have had a man in front of her who she could connect to on all levels. This would have allowed her to not only meet some of her mental and physical needs, but also some of her emotional needs.

The Next Stage

However, before long, it would have gotten harder and harder for her to meet these emotional needs. The reason for this is that regardless of whether he started to become physically out of reach, he would have become emotionally out of reach.

As a result, when she did spend time with him, it would have been as if he were physically here, but he was emotionally and perhaps mentally somewhere else. Due to this, it would have been normal for her to not feel seen, heard or supported.

Left

When she thinks about how she felt when this started to take place, she can find that it was as though she had been abandoned. To avoid how he felt, she might have struggled to change his behaviour.

For example, she might have spent more time messaging and calling him, bought him things, changed her appearance, and spent more time pleasing him sexually. But, no matter what she did, it might not have had much of an impact.

The next part

Throughout this time, she might have alternated between feeling angry and frustrated, and feeling anxious, helpless and hopeless. Resentment and a sense of betrayal might have slowly built up inside her, too.

Before long, he might have ended their relationship, or she might have called it a day. After she has broken up with a man like this, she might typically stay single for a while, or she might typically be with another man before long.

Stepping Back

Now, when she thinks about this area of her life, and what she has been through over the years, she can believe that it will never change. She might believe that this is just what men are like or that she is just unlucky.

But, as she wants to be with a man who is not just available at the beginning, but is available as time passes, and this hasn’t taken place, it is not going to be a surprise if she comes to this conclusion. However, what if this is not just what men are like, and she is not simply unlucky?

Another Angle

There is a chance that this area of her life is largely this way because of what she missed out on as a child and is still trying to receive. Her mother and perhaps her father might have been emotionally available and out of reach, causing her to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

If so, this would have caused her to miss out on the attunement, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. Being ignored, rejected, starved of affection and even abandoned would have been a normal part of her childhood.

Brutal Time

She would then have been emotionally and perhaps often physically abandoned by the person or people who she needed to embrace and nurture her. In other words, she wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to one or both of her parents.

And, along with not receiving the consistent care that she needed, when she was given care, it might have generally been misattuned care. She would then have had moments when she felt abandoned and as though she was going to die, and moments when she was smothered and felt as though she was going to be annihilated.

One Option

To handle not having a number of her developmental needs consistently met and the pain that this caused her, her brain would have repressed a number of her needs and the pain she was in. This would have involved her losing touch with her embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self.

Over time, she would have developed a disembodied, disconnected and not fully feeling false self. Furthermore, as she was egocentric, she would have come to believe that her needs and feelings were bad, and that she was worthless and unlovable.

Another Consequence

Lastly, her brain and body would have associated human closeness with something that would cause her to be left and to die, or to lose herself and to be annihilated. This is why, as painful as it will be for her to be with a man who pulls away emotionally and physically, her system will see the alternative as being far worse.

This stage of her life will be over, of course, but a big part of her won’t realise this. This part of her has no sense of time and is blind, so it will believe that it is possible to receive the love that she missed out on.

It will do this by causing her to unconsciously recreate what it was like for her as a child in the hope that this time it will be different. She will then end up with a man who is unavailable and struggle to make him available, or she will end up with a man who is somewhat available and stays around, but will feel the pull to get away from him before long.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for her to change this area of her life, she will have a number of steps to take. There will be beliefs for her to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk