Early Deprivation: Why Would A Woman Attract Unavailable Men If She Has High Self-Worth?

Recently, a woman may have been with a man who was physically, but not emotionally, available. As a result, she might have been with him for weeks, months or longer, but their relationship wouldn’t have evolved.

So, she might have often seen him and had sex with him, but he might have typically been emotionally absent, with it not being possible for her to feel connected to him. It might not have been much better when she wasn’t with him, as she might have seldom heard from him, and he might have often changed and cancelled plans they had made.

A Big Difference

Due to this being a time when she didn’t know where she stood, was rarely seen or heard, and wasn’t treated as though she mattered, she is likely to have experienced anxiety and felt low. However, if this is what she experienced, it can be radically different to how she usually feels.

Before she was with him, she might have typically felt settled and felt good about herself. No, though, it may take a number of weeks or months before she is able to return to her former self.

A Pattern

Yet, a she will have been through a lot, it is to be expected that he wouldn’t just be able to put what happened behind her. After all, she will be a feeling human being, not an unfeeling machine.

Once she has settled down, she may look back on this area of her life and see that this is not the first time that she has been in this position. If so, she might reach out to one of her trusted friends and tell them about this area of her life.

External Feedback

This can be a time when they will tell her, in one way or another, that she is a catch, and that what is going on in this area of her life is not her fault. For example, they could say that she is attractive and is a very loving and kind person.

After hearing this, and thinking about how she generally feels good about herself, she could think about how she not only has it together, but that has a lot to offer. What can enter her mind after this is that her friend is right; she is not playing a part in what is going on in this area of her life.

The Issue

She is then going to be in a position where she is ready to have an intimate relationship, but as the men that she ends up with aren’t, she won’t be able to have one. Therefore, the only way that this area of her life will change is if she meets a man who is different.

If, on the other hand, she didn’t feel good about herself, it could be said that she would need to develop her self-esteem, but as this isn’t the case, and she has developed other parts of herself and her life, this is not going to be necessary. She can then live in the hope that, sooner or later, her life will change.

Another Angle

Nonetheless, what if what is going on in this area of her life is a reflection of what is going on for her at a deeper, emotional level? What if, at this level, she doesn’t feel comfortable with sustained emotional closeness?

After hearing this, she could say that this is not true, as she is ready to have an intimate relationship. If she does respond in this way or a way that is similar, what she will need to keep in mind is that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind, or conscious sense of herself.

Two Levels

It is for this reason that she can have an empowering view of herself, be in good shape physically and have her life in order, for instance, but still end up with a man who is out of reach. When it comes to this deeper, emotional part of her, emotional closeness can be seen as something that would cause her to be smothered, to lose herself and be annihilated.

Assuming that this is so, on one level, she will be saying she wants to experience intimacy, but on another level, she will be saying that she doesn’t. What this will illustrate is that, as strong as her conscious mind is, it is not as strong as her unconscious mind.

Back in Time

To understand why this other part of her sees human closeness as a threat to her survival, it will be a good idea to explore what her early years may have been like. This may have been a stage of her life when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Thus, being rejected and abandoned when she needed attention and to be held and receiving attention and being held when she didn’t need either, for instance, would have been normal. She would then have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.

One Option

To handle the overwhelm that she was experiencing and ensure that she was able to keep it together and function, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs. This would have involved her losing touch with her embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self.

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected and not fully feeling false self. Furthermore, her underdeveloped brain and nervous system would have formed a number of associations.

Her needs and feelings would have been seen as bad, she would have seen herself as worthless and unlovable, and human closeness would have been associated with something that would cause her to die. Many years will have passed since she was a powerless and dependent child, but as a big part of her won’t realise this, it will still life as it was, not as it is.
 
Another Element

Also, as this other part of her has no sense of time and is blind, it will see men as her mother and/or father. It will then live in the hope that, if she can make an unavailable man available, she will receive the love that she missed out on.

But, as another man is not her mother and/or father, and this stage of her life is over, it will be too late for her to receive this love. This false hope will be a secondary defence that she developed as a child, when it was too painful for her to accept that her parent or parents couldn’t love her and she had to block out her outer and inner reality to survive.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for her to gradually reconnect to her body, feel comfortable with human closeness and no longer unconsciously re-create her depriving and wounding childhood, among other things, there will be a number of steps for her to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk