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If someone were to think about the last relationship they were in, they can be filled with frustration, anger and even a sense of despair. This can be because the person they were with was not unavailable.
It could go further than this, though, as they might have been verbally and even physically abusive. As a result of what it was like, it might have taken them a number of weeks, months or longer to recover. A Pattern If they have had other relationships, they may find that these were different. Then again, they might see that most, if not all, of the relationships that they have had have been the same. Assuming that this is so, even if they have got back on their feet, they could often feel pretty helpless and hopeless. The reason for this is that they might not believe that this area of their life will ever be any different. One outlook They might also believe that this is just what men or women are like, or they could believe that they are just unlucky. If they believe the former, it won’t be possible for this area of their life to ever change. Yet, if they believe the latter, they will just have to wait until their luck changes. Now, while the latter will give them the hope that their life might change at some point, it is unlikely to do much else. Another Angle If it were put forward to them that their life is not this way because of what men or women were like or because they are unlucky, and that it is due to what is going on inside them, they might react strongly. They could feel angry and as though they are being blamed for what this area of their life is like. After this, they could say that they don’t want this area of their life to be this way, so how can it have anything to do with them? If they do react in this way, what they will need to keep in mind is that, along with their conscious mind or conscious sense of themselves, they also have another, hidden part of themselves, which is known as their unconscious mind. Two Parts With this in mind, as they want one thing but continually experience something else entirely, it is likely to show that this part of them has a different agenda. This part of them can be trying to meet the needs that were not met during their formative years. The trouble is that this part of them will ensure that they unconsciously create situations that are very similar to how it was for them as a child, in the hope of experiencing a different outcome. They will then not only be drawn to people who can’t be there for them, but they will expect them to meet needs that can no longer be met by another person. Projecting the Past onto the Present What this illustrates is that at a deeper, emotional level, they have no sense of time and are blind. This is why this other part of them can’t see that, as this stage of their life is over and another person is not their mother or father, it is too late for them to receive what they missed out on. Therefore, instead of being able to resolve what happened and put this stage of their life behind them, they just end up being deprived and wounded all over again. This is why self-awareness is so important, as it will allow them to become aware of what is going on and play a part in them gradually letting go of their need to receive what they missed out on. Back In Time When it comes to what their early years were like, this may have been a stage of their life when their mother and perhaps their father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Additionally, one or both of them might have been verbally and even physically abusive. They would then have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. Another Element This would have involved them losing touch with their connected and embodied true self and developing a disconnected and disembodied false self. They would have also lived in the hope that, by becoming who they wanted and doing what they wanted, they would be loved. However, as futile as this was, as most likely their mother and perhaps their father couldn’t give them what they needed, as they had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a child, it would have served as a secondary defence. In other words, this hope would have made it easier for them to block out what was going on externally and internally and thereby, helped them to keep it together and function. Moving Forward The years would then have passed, but the same struggle would have continued. Taking all this into account, for them to no longer live in hope or struggle for what they missed out on, they will need to reconnect to and face the pain that was repressed all those years ago and experience their unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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