Early Deprivation: Why Would Someone Have Had A Cold Mother?

If someone were to think about what their mother was like during their early years, they might not think of someone who was emotionally attuned, affectionate and supportive. Instead, they could think of someone who was emotionally distant, was seldom affectionate and was unsupportive.

Along with this, she might have often been verbally abusive and even physically harmed them at times. Consequently, they wouldn’t have felt safe and secure around their mother, and as though they could freely express themselves.

A Tough Time

A stage of their life, then, when they needed to receive the right nutrients in order to grow and develop in the right way, was a time when they would have been deeply traumatised. The trouble was that even though they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded by her, there wouldn’t have been much that they could have done.

This is because they were powerless and dependent. Thus, they couldn’t change their mother, and neither could they find another mother; they simply had to adapt to what was going on.

One option

To handle not having a number of their needs consistently met and the pain that this caused them, they would have lost touch with their connected true self. The connection that they had to their body and their needs and feelings would have been replaced by a disconnected and unfeeling false self.

Along with this, they would have lived in the hope that, if they became who their mother wanted and behaved how she wanted them to behave, she would love them. But as futile as this was, it would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for them to keep it together and function.

Self-Image

And, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. The outcome of this is that they would have believed that their needs and feelings were bad, and that they were worthless and unlovable.

Taking into account what they went through and the impact this had on them, it is not going to be a surprise if their adult life has been one big struggle. Not only are they not going to be connected to their embodied true self, but they can be used to feeling overwhelmed, helpless, hopeless and worthless, struggle to develop healthy relationships, and feel ashamed of their needs and feelings.

The big Question

Furthermore, they can wonder why their mother was largely unresponsive to their needs and treated them like dirt. They might accept that they took it personally because their brain was underdeveloped, but they can still struggle to get their head around why their mother was the way that she was.

Based on how she behaved, it can be as if they were a child that she found in the middle of nowhere and begrudgingly decided to look after. Or worse, that they had somehow done something to harm her and deserved to be punished by her.

A Closer Look

However, regardless of what enters their mind as to why she was this way, it is to be expected that their mind would be curious about why she behaved in this way. After all, it was their own mother who behaved in this way, not a random stranger.

There is a strong chance that the reason their mother was this way was due to what took place during her formative years and the impact it had on her. Her mother might have been cold and cruel.

The Same Story

The attunement, care, mirroring, validation, support and love that she needed wouldn’t have been provided. To handle this, she would have lost touch with her connected and feeling true self and developed a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated false self.

So, to handle being brought up by an insensitive mother and perhaps father, she had to become insensitive to herself. And, by losing touch with her ability to feel her own pain, she lost the ability to empathise with others and feel their pain.

Two Parts

The years would then have passed, and thanks to how her brain and body adapted as a result of her being greatly traumatised, she wouldn’t have been in a position to provide her child with what they needed. Not only this, but she would have been filled with anger, rage and hate, and this would have been directed toward her child.

The being that was innocent and hadn’t harmed her would then have been treated as though they were the one who had violated her as a child. Yet, as their mother would have unconsciously projected her mother and perhaps her father into them, she wouldn’t have been consciously aware of what was going on.

The Truth

Considering all this, their mother was a deeply wounded human being, and how she treated them was not a reflection of their worth or lovability. As to why they had a mother like this is open to debate

One way of looking at it, and that’s if someone believes in reincarnation, is that they chose to have this experience as there was something that they wanted to learn. Either way, the main thing for them to keep in mind was that it wasn’t personal.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk