Early Deprivation: Why Would Someone’s Parent Have Made Them Into Their Parent?

If someone were to take a step back and reflect on how they behave, they may find that they have the inclination to ignore their own needs and be there for others. After this, they might see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember.

Naturally, by being this way, a number of their needs are rarely if ever going to be met and this will cause them to be deprived. The outcome of this is that they can often feel exhausted and down.

Covered Up

Nonetheless, if this is the case, they can find that they generally do their best to ignore how they feel. This is something that can take place by them being there for others, or just by eating, drinking and/or watching something.

But, after being this way for however long, they might have had enough of behaving in this way. They might see that if they continue to behave in his way, they will feel even worse as time goes by and their life will continue to pass them by.

The Next Step

After this, they could wonder why they behave in this way and they might end up coming to the conclusion that their behaviour is irrational. But, as behaving in this way is not going to be serving them, this is not a surprise.

Still, if they were to think about their early years and what this stage was like, they might start to understand why they behave in this way. The reason for this is that this might have been a time when they had to be there for their mother and/or father.

Back In Time

If so, a stage of their life when they needed to receive would have been a stage when they had to give. Now, their basic needs might have typically been met, such as their need for food, clothing and shelter but that might have been about as far as it went.

So, they might have often had to do things for one or both of their parents and be there for them when they were not in a good way and offer emotional support. And, if they expressed a need, they might have often been criticised, ignored or rejected.  

The Message

Due to these experiences and as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with their needs. If they did express their needs, they would have ended up feeling guilty and ashamed.

Yet, as it would have been clear that a number of their needs wouldn’t be met, they would have lost touch with a number of their needs. Being aware of them would have been too painful.

The Other Side

After becoming aware of this, and assuming that it was one parent who was like this, they could wonder why their parent was more like their child than their parent. What this is likely to show is that their parent was greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years.

Consequently, they would have gone from a child to an adult but, at an emotional level, they would have felt like a powerless and dependent child. Thanks to how needy they were, they would have unconsciously done what they could to turn their child into the parent that they needed but didn’t have.

A Strong Aversion

In the beginning, when their child expressed their needs, this would have probably caused them to feel overwhelmed, trapped and burdened. This was probably how they felt when their needy parent looked toward them to meet certain needs.

Their child’s needs, if not their child, would then have been seen as a problem, and, by ignoring, criticising, rejecting and even leaving their child, they would have slowly conditioned them to hide their needs and be there for them. Over time, their child would have gone from needy to needless.

Self-Alienation

The connection that their child had with their own needs and feelings would then have been lost, with them becoming disconnected from themselves and focused on their parent. Having a child who was out of touch with themselves and focused on their needs would have prevented them from having to come into contact with the pain that they experienced when they were being used as a child.

Moreover, this would have allowed them to be deceived into believing that they were finally receiving what they missed out on as a child. But, as this would have most likely taken place without them being consciously aware of it, if this was pointed out to them now, that’s if they are alive, they would probably deny it.

Moving Forward

Taking this into account, this parent was unable to provide them with the love that they needed as they had also been deprived during their formative years. It was then not that they chose not to love them; it was that they couldn’t love them.

For them to know, at the core of their being, that their needs are not bad and to be there for themselves, they are likely to have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk