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Right now, a man may be dating a woman who he rarely hears from, let alone spends time with. When they are together, she can typically be preoccupied with other things and spend a lot of time talking about her challenges.
As a result, this will be a time when he is unlikely to feel seen and heard. Instead, it can be as though he doesn’t even exist, or is merely there to meet her needs. A Step Back However, if he were to think about what it was like when they first started spending time together, he might see that it was different. Then again, he might see that it wasn’t much different; it was just that he didn’t see what was right in front of his eyes. This might have been a time when he thought that he had finally found a woman who was into him. But, if this wasn’t the case, this might have been a time when he was feeling good about this area of his life. Confusion Assuming that she was just as unavailable at the beginning as she is now, or close to it, he can wonder why he wasn’t able to see clearly. He might also see that at least one of his friends or family members was aware of what she was like. For example, they might have said that the woman he is dating is out of reach and is no different to the last woman he was with. If this is what happened, it will show that this is not the first time that he has been in this position. What’s going on? If he can see that he has been in this position on more than one occasion, he might believe that there is something wrong with him. But if he has been with at least two women who were not available at the beginning, but he couldn’t see this, and at least one person in his life could also see this, this is to be expected. He could see that when it comes to other areas of his life, he has no trouble seeing clearly. In fact, he might even have a job that requires him to see things very clearly, and he might be very good at it, too. A Closer Look However, even if he believes that there is something wrong with him, it doesn’t mean that this is the truth. What this can show is that his brain stops him from being able to see that a woman is out of reach and is not available. If he doesn’t instantly dismiss this and keeps his mind open, he can wonder why his brain would do this, especially as it is causing him to suffer. Yet although it can seem as though his brain is harming him, it is likely to be doing what it can protect him. A Deeper Look Additionally, a big part of him can be looking for the love that he missed out on during his early years. Due to this, he will be unconsciously trying to resolve his childhood. So, during his early years, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. This would have caused him to miss out on the attunement, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. A Brutal Time As he was powerless and totally dependent, he couldn’t change his mother; he could only change himself. This would have caused him to gradually lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling false self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected and not fully feeling false self. And, as he was egocentric, he would personalised what took place, believing that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable. Another Element Furthermore, to help him keep how he felt and his needs out of his conscious awareness, as repression wouldn’t have been enough, he would have lived in the hope that if he became who she wanted and behaved how she wanted, she would love him. This false hope was then based on him blaming himself and blocking out what she was actually like. Ultimately, as he wasn’t in a position to accept that his mother couldn’t give him what he needed, he had to block out reality. This stage of his life will now be over, of course, but a big part of him will still be looking for his mother’s love. The Same Story He will then unconsciously be drawn to women who are out of reach, and his brain will stop him from seeing this, and then he will try to make them available. The reason for this is that this deeper, emotional part of him has no sense of time and is blind. It then won’t realise that, as this stage is over and another woman is not his mother, it is too late for him to receive this love. This part will stop him from seeing that a woman is not available, so he can struggle all over again. Drawing the line This struggle will take place to stop him from coming into contact with how he felt when his mother couldn’t be there for him. These feelings would have overwhelmed him; that’s why they had to be repressed. For him to gradually end this struggle, he will need to gradually face and process the feelings and experience the needs that have been locked inside him since he was a boy. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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