Fantasy Bond: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Create Fantasy Bonds?

Right now, someone can believe that they are in a relationship, even though this is not actually the case. The reason for this is that they might not have met the other person in the real world or have only met them a few times.

If they haven’t met them, they are not going to know if they would actually get on, and if they have met, they won’t know if they are actually compatible. But while this will be the case, this won’t be something that bothers them.

Another Scenario

Alternatively, they could be in a relationship and live with this person, but they can more or less live separate lives. But although this is so, once again, they can believe that they are not only in a relationship, but a good one.

Now, what is clear is that they will be in a relationship, but the idea that they have of it won’t reflect reality. This could be a relationship that they have been in for a number of months or years.

External Feedback

While they might keep this area of their life to themselves, they might share parts of it with others. If they do, they can make out that they are not only in a real relationship, but that it is just about perfect.

So, they might talk about how much they love each other and what they will do in the future. Thanks to what they say, some of the people in their life could believe that they are in a relationship that is real and even very loving.

Confusion

However, as the days, weeks and months pass, and the people in their life haven’t seen this person or they have and there doesn’t appear to be anything between them, they can wonder what is going on. What might enter their mind is that their friend is not only deceiving them, but is also deceiving themselves.

If they were to point out that reality doesn’t seem to match up with what they say, they might not get very far. What they say might just be dismissed or ignored.

The Other Side

After a while, they might take a step back and reflect on this area of their life, which can allow them to see that what is going on inside their head doesn’t match up with reality. They might see that they are not in a real relationship, or if they are in one, they emotionally broke up ages ago.

But, even though this can enter their mind, they might soon go back to how they were before and block out reality. If they do, it might not be long before they take another step back.

The Catalyst

What can play a big part in this is that living in this way is going to cause them to be deprived, and this will cause them to suffer. For however long, then, it would have been possible for them to block out reality and live in their head, but this would have gotten harder and harder.

As depriving and painful as it will be for them to not be in a real relationship, there is a chance that part of them sees the alternative as being far worse. For them to gain a deeper understanding of themselves, they can use their imagination.

A Closer Look

If they were to imagine being in a real relationship, where they often met the other person, this person was present, saw and heard them, and was affectionate, they might feel relieved and grateful. But after a while, they can start to feel uncomfortable and have the need to get away from them.

Therefore, as depriving and painful as an imaginary relationship will be, it will feel safer than a real one. At this point, they can wonder why they would feel safer with an imaginary relationship, and they might see that they have been in this position before. 
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Going Deeper

As strange as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a time when it wasn’t possible for them to securely attach to either of their parents.

One or both of their parents might have been inconsistent, unpredictable and unstable. To handle not receiving the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed and being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs.

Another part

This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and open true self and forming a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and closed false self. Nonetheless, as they were powerless and dependent, they were unable to accept that it wasn’t possible for them to securely attach to and bond with their mother or father, or that they were unsafe.

As a result, they had to block out what they were really like and form an imaginary and idealised version of them and an imaginary connection to them. This would have made it easier for their system to feel safe and settled.  

A Replay

Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, of course, but, like when they were a child, imagining that another person loves them and is there for them, for instance, will be what feels safe and will help them to keep it together and function. As an adult, they will no longer need to deceive themselves in this way, but as they will be carrying most, if not all, of the pain and unmet developmental needs that were repressed very early on, this defensive creation will still be needed, as it will aid in repression and allow them to release tension. 

For them to gradually let go of their need to deceive themselves and feel comfortable being in a real relationship, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have pain to face and process and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk