Father Wounds: Can A Man Be Emotionally Unavailable If He Had An Abusive Father?

One thing that a man could find, if he was to get into a relationship, is that it is a challenge for him to connect to how he feels. This is not to say that he was fine before this, though, as he may have struggled to connect to his feelings before.

However, now that he is in a relationship, how he experiences life will have come into focus. To use an analogy: it will be like a room that had no light and now that there is a light, it will be clear what is in the room.

A Different Experience
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Before this, he might not have needed to be connected to how he felt. So, when he was around his friends, colleagues and family members, having a weak connection to his emotional self might not have and still might not be an issue.

There is the chance that most of his friends, for instance, don’t have a strong connection with their emotional self. Therefore, how he was and is wouldn’t have and still won’t stand out.

A Hurdle

His partner, through having a greater connection with her emotional self, will want him to express how he feels. In other words, as she is able to go to this level, so she will want him to meet her there.

It is through meeting at this level, that they will be able to feel close to each other and to develop a strong bond. Without this, it won’t be possible for them to go to the next stage and to feel truly close to each other.

Confusion

Now, if he is both attracted to her and she ticks a number of boxes, so to speak, he could wonder why he is this way. At this point, he could wonder if there is something inherently wrong with him.

What could also cross his mind is if he simply hasn’t met ‘the one’ and if it will be different with another woman. But, if this is not the first time that this hasn’t taken place and he is generally out of touch with how he feels, it will be clear that there is more to it.

Another Scenario

If, on the other hand, he is not currently in a relationship, he may have recently been in one and had this experience. What this may have done is give him the chance to reflect on what took place.

But, even if he has had the chance to do this, he could still struggle to understand what took place. And, if this has taken place before, it could be even harder for him to come to terms with.

What’s going on?

Now, regardless of whether he is or isn’t in a relationship, he is going to have the need to experience life differently. The difference is that if he is currently in a relationship, this need is likely to be stronger.

If he has been this way for as long as he can remember, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he was born this way. Yet, if he was, it could be due to what took place whilst he was in his mother’s womb and during his birth.

Way Back

Assuming that these two stages went well, what took place during his early years could be why he doesn’t have a good connection to his emotional self. This may have been a stage of his life when he was physically harmed by his father.

Naturally, being harmed by someone who was supposed to love, protect and care for him would have greatly traumatised him. The trouble was that as he was powerless and totally dependent, he wouldn’t have been able to stop what was taking place or leave his family.

The Outcome

His only option, then, was to repress his true feelings and gradually disconnect from his emotional self. This is not something that he would have consciously chosen to do; it would have automatically taken place.

In the beginning, he would have often felt overwhelmed and, as time passed, his ability to feel all of his feelings would have been greatly diminished. Being this way won’t serve him now that he is an adult but it would have been what kept him alive as a child.

Weighed Down

Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life but he will be carrying a lot of pain. This pain will need to be worked through in order for him to no longer be in a shut down state and to operate as a whole human being.

As this takes place and his nervous system starts to settle down, the beliefs and associations that were formed will start to fall away. An important part of this process will be for him to know, at the core of his being, that he can be close to another person without losing himself or his life coming to an end.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk