Father Wounds: Can A Man Be In A Boundaryless State If He Had An Abusive Father?

If a man was to take a step back and reflect on his life, he may find is that he rarely feels comfortable standing his ground and asserting himself. As a result of this, it is likely to be normal for him to be walked over by others.

He could be used to saying yes when he would rather say no, and this is naturally going to take its toll on him. At times, it may mean that he will end up overlooking his own needs and at others, it may mean that he will end up being harmed in some way.

His Personality

He could see that he typically comes across as easy-going and as only too happy to be there for others. Some of his friends, if they were being honest, may say that he is a people pleaser and needs to stand up for himself.

Then again, his friends could simply take advantage of him and not provide him with any feedback. If he does have friends who are like this, it won’t be a surprise if he carries a lot of resentment.
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Weighed Down

But, most likely, he will rarely if ever get angry around others and will generally hide how he truly feels. It might go further than this, though, as he could generally hide how he feels from himself.

If this is the case, he is going to carry a lot of emotional pain inside him, and this pain is going to make it hard for him to feel alive. In fact, he could spend a lot of time feeling very low and depressed.

Disempowered

Yet, if he is unable to assert himself and thus, express who he is when he is around others, how could he feel good about his life or himself? When it comes to his life, this can be seen as something that he has to endure, not enjoy.

Due to how unfulfilling his life is, he may even have moments when he thinks about calling it a day. If he does see a man who is happy and is living a fulfilling life, he could be consumed by jealousy and, perhaps, envy.

What’s going on?

At this point, it could be said that this is not a man who is in touch with his aggression. Based on how he lives his life, it will be as though he doesn’t have any aggression or that this part of him is only there from time to time.

Nonetheless, he does have aggression and so this part of him is always there. The issue is that, for some reason, he hasn’t integrated this part of his being, which is why he is unable to fully be in his power and protect himself.

Confusion

After becoming aware of this, he could wonder why he doesn’t have a strong connection with this part of him. He may even believe that there is something inherently wrong with him and that he will always be this way.

He could look back on his life and see that he has more or less always been this way. Consequently, in order to bring this part of him back to life, he may believe that he will need to take something or raise his testosterone, for instance.

Back In Time

What this may show is that his early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when he was physically abused by his father. As for his mother, she may have also been abusive or enabled what was going on.

So, instead of having a father who protected him and did what he could to make sure that he felt safe and secure, he would have greatly undermined him. He wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on either.

Helpless

He wouldn’t have been able to fight back; if he did, he would have suffered even more. Running away wouldn’t have been an option as he would have been powerless and completely dependent on his parents.

Thus, he simply had to tolerate what was going on, and he would have gradually lost touch with his true self. The only way for him to handle the pain that he has in would have been to disconnect from it and by doing this, he would have lost touch with his body and as a consequence, his aggression.

Totally Defenceless

At this stage of his life, he would have been like an unarmed soldier that was sent into battle. And, as this stage of his life caused him to lose touch with his aggression/fight instinct, as an adult, he will be just as vulnerable.

In addition to being estranged from his masculinity, he is likely to carry a deep sense of violation. What took place will be over, then, but he will carry the past inside him and he will be out of touch with his aggression.

Awareness

What took place wasn’t his fault; he didn’t deserve to be treated badly. Now that he is an adult, he can do something about what is going on and gradually reconnect to his body.

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk