Although a man may want to experience intimacy, it doesn’t mean that he has been able to fulfil this need. What he may find, if he was to reflect on his life, is that he has only been able to get so far when he has been in a relationship.
He could see that he has been with a number of women who were not available. As a result of this, he would have been able to share his mind and body but he won’t have been able to share his heart.
At this point, he could believe that this is just what women are like and this area of his life will always be this way. If it was to change, it will be due to the fact that he will have met a woman who is available.
Naturally, if this is what he believes, it is not going to allow him to be filled with a sense of optimism. He is likely to feel totally helpless and he will just have to tolerate what is going on.
When it comes to the people in his life, he might not be very intimate with these people either. Most if not all of these relationships could be very surface level with him not revealing what is actually going on for him.
If so, these people are not going to know who he really is and this is going to stop him from being able to feel deeply connected to them. However, there is the chance that what is taking place in this area of his life won’t cross his mind.
If it was pointed out to him that he is hiding himself around these people, he could dismiss what has been said. As far as he is concerned, there could be no reason for him to be intimate with these people.
This could be seen as something that only takes place when he is with a woman, not something that occurs around his friends. He will then open up and be authentic with a woman but not with anyone else.
Missing the Signs
If this was to take place, it is likely to be a sign that he doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to others, with this being the reason why he is unable to meet a woman who is available. Yet, in order for him to see this, he will need to be able to pay attention to the information that is being presented to him.
What will also be a sign is the fact that he continually meets women who are not available. Most likely, these women will be mirroring back the fact that he is also not available.
Upon hearing this, he could question how this could be the case, especially as he will want to be with a woman who is available. What he will need to think about at this point is that along with his conscious mind, he also has an unconscious mind.
And, although the former can want one thing, the latter can want something else entirely. Moreover, the latter will have a far greater impact on his life than the former.
With this in mind, as what he consciously wants is not showing up, it is likely to show that he unconsciously wants something else. This will mean that he is getting what another, stronger part of him wants.
At a deeper level, he can see intimacy as something that is a threat to his very survival. By keeping people at a distance, as much as this will cause him to suffer, it will allow him to feel safe.
What’s going on?
He could wonder why keeping people at a distance could be what feels safe. If he was to reflect on why this is, his mind could end up going blank, and it could stay this way no matter how long he engages in this process.
Nonetheless, if he doesn’t feel comfortable with human contact, it could be due to what took place during his early years. This may have been a time when he was physically harmed by his father.
Back In Time
Thanks to how traumatic this stage of his life was, his brain would have automatically blocked out what took place. He would have been deeply wounded by his father and there would have been very little that he could have done.
He wouldn’t have been able to fight back or to run away; the only thing that he was able to do was to repress how he felt and lose touch with himself. Another option would have been for him to get away from everyone and hide.
By losing touch with himself, it would have allowed him to tolerate what was going on but it would have meant that a big part of him had gone into hiding. He was then physically there but he wouldn’t have been emotionally there.
It would have been too painful for him to be in his body and to feel; being in a disembodied, shut down state would have kept him alive. He would have come to associate being in his body, feeling and human contact as something that would cause him to die.
When he was a boy, being close to his father and perhaps his mother would have been a threat to his survival. Keeping his distance, as painful as this would have been, was the rational thing to do.
Now that he is an adult, behaving in this way will no longer be serving him. This is not to say that he should just open up to and trust anyone; no, what it comes down to is that he can choose who he opens up to and if someone crosses his boundaries, he can assert himself or cut his ties with them.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.