Father Wounds: Can A Man Unconsciously Look for A Father Figure If His Father Was Emotionally Unavailable?

Even though a man’s childhood will be well and truly behind him, it doesn’t mean that he has fully moved on from this stage of his life. As a result, he can be looking for what he missed out on.

However, if this is the case, it doesn’t mean that he will be consciously aware of this. He is then going to be unknowingly driven by forces that are outside of his couscous awareness.

A Strong Need

Now, this may have been a stage of his life when his father wasn’t around or he was around but he was typically out of reach. Either way, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

What he needed was a father who was not just physically available but also emotionally available. What this would have done is allowed him to receive the support, encouragement and affirmation that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Covered Up

To handle what happened, how he felt and a number of his developmental needs would have been repressed. The years will then have passed but he will still be looking for what he missed out on.

What this illustrates is that the part of him that is still looking for what he missed out on as a child has no sense of time and is blind. It then doesn’t matter that it is too late for him to meet his unmet developmental needs or that another man is not his father.

One Experience

So, thanks to what is taking place for him at a deeper level, he can have a strong need to please certain men. This can mean that he will spend a lot of time trying to achieve things, with this being a way for him to receive their approval.

He could then be successful and be used to receive approval from men. Then again, he might not have achieved a great deal and could spend a lot of time trying to be successful.

Another Element

Along with this, there could be one or a number of older men in his life. If so, these men could be his friends and/or they could be mentors, for instance.

When he is around them, and even when he isn’t, he can feel supported, strong, and capable. Due to this, it is likely to make it easier for him to not only start something but to also finish it.

Another Scenario

Nonetheless, if one of his friends or mentors was no longer in his life, he could end up feeling radically different. This could be because a friend has moved away or because he has stopped working with a mentor, for instance.

At first, he could feel deflated and as if something inside him had been taken away. He will still be the same person but as his external world has changed, he won’t feel like the same person.

One Experience

Before long, he could find another older friend or mentor and it might not be long until he returns to how he was before. It can be as though he has been pumped up again and is back in his power.

Yet, even if he is able to do this, he is going to be dependent on this person in order to be in his power. If he were to move somewhere else or no longer work with the same mentor, for instance, it wouldn’t be long until he would deflate again.

Another Experience

If he were to stay connected to how he felt and didn’t try to find a strong male figure, he could wonder why he only feels supported, strong and capable when he has someone like this in his life. Of course, as he is an interdependent human being, he is not his own island; he needs other people's support.

Still, there is a big difference between being interdependent and dependent. When it comes to the former, he will also be able to source support from the inside, but, when it comes to the latter, he won’t be able to do this.

Transference

What he is likely to find is that the main reason he feels more empowered when he has a male figure like this in his life is that part of him doesn’t realise that he’s not his father. He then feels how he would feel if his father had been there for him during his formative years.

And, when he doesn’t feel empowered, he will come into contact with how he felt during his formative years. If this other part of him lived in the present and could see clearly, he wouldn’t be able to have this experience.

A New Reality

Taking this into account, for him to be in his power, he will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk