Father Wounds: Can A Man Unconsciously Look For His Fathers Support If He Had An Unavailable Father?

If a man missed out on the support that he needed from his father throughout his formative years, it doesn’t mean that he will be aware of this. Furthermore, he might seldom if ever even think about this stage of his life.

But, when it does come to this stage of his life, he could think about how he wasn’t abused and that he never went without food or the clothes that he needed, for instance. He may even say that some of his friends were not so lucky.

One Parent

If he were to think about his father, he could think about how he worked hard and made sure that no one went without what they needed. He could also remember how he wasn’t around much but that he did love him.

From this, it could be said that this stage of his life wasn’t that bad and that he received what he needed. However, even if this is what he believes when it comes to this stage of his life, it doesn’t mean that every part of him is on board with this view.

A Disconnected View

If, then, he were to connect to how he feels in his body, he could have a very different view of this stage of his life. What this illustrates is that remembering parts of his childhood is one thing; it is another thing altogether for him to remember how he felt.

When only the former takes place, it will lead to him to having a very lopsided sided view of this stage of his life. The reason why he won’t also be in touch with the feeling component is likely to be because how he felt at this stage of his life was repressed.

Self-Protection

This would have taken place automatically to allow him to keep it together and function. During this stage of his life, his father might have rarely if ever been around and when he was around, he might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Consequently, he would have been deprived of the care, support and encouragement that he needed from his father. Missing out on this would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded him.

No Choice

But, as he was powerless and dependent, it wasn’t possible for him to change his father or find another father. The only thing that he could do was to adapt to what was going on.

Along with losing touch with how he felt, he would have had to lose touch with a number of his needs. Moreover, he would have had to block out what his father was actually like and blame himself for what was going on.

Taken To Heart

This would have partly been due to him being egocentric and taking everything personally and partly due to him not being in a position to face reality. As, if he had accepted that his father was out of reach and couldn’t be there for him, it would have been too much for him to handle.

Believing that he was the problem, on the other hand, would have given him the hope - the false hope - that if he tried hard enough, his father would love him. This would have served as a defence against the reality that he was living in.

The past is present

Many, many years will have passed since that stage of his life but he can unknowingly try to meet the needs that his father wasn’t able to meet. For example, he can have a strong need to receive attention and approval from other men.

It might not matter how old they are, or he might prefer to receive this from men who are older. When he does receive this he can experience a sense of wholeness and, when he doesn’t, he can feel deflated.

It’s too late

But, no matter how much attention and approval he receives from men, it won’t make up for what he missed out on from his own father. Now that he is an adult, it is too late for him to meet his unmet developmental needs.

If it wasn’t too late, what he receives from other men could make up for what he missed out on. But, as it is too late, the impact that the attention and approval from other men have on him won’t last.

Moving Forward

For him to no longer look for what he missed out on, he is likely to have a lot of pain to face and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk