Human Doing: Can Someone Act Like A Human Doing If They Had An Unavailable Mother?

Even though someone is a human being and can, thus, be as well as do, it can be as if they only have the ability to do. They are then going to be more like a human doing than a human being.

So, practically from the moment that they wake up until the moment that they go to sleep, they can be on the go. They might work five days a week, or they could work seven days a week.

A lot going on

But if they only work five days a week, when they are not working, they could be working on other things. For example, they might have their own business, or they could volunteer.

At times, they might see friends and family, but even then, they could typically be helping them with things. This can mean that they will seldom, if ever, exercise; then again, they might find time to do so.

External Feedback

Due to how they live their life, they might be used to having people tell them that they need to slow down and find time to rest. These people can be worried that they might end up becoming ill.

Assuming that some of the people in their life say these kinds of things, they could make out that they are fine and don’t need to slow down. They could say that they have a lot to do and that life is for living.

No Different

Yet, even if they were to have a break and were to go on holiday, for instance, it doesn’t mean that they would be able to relax. Instead, they can have the need to do things all the time and they can spend a lot of time thinking about all the things that they need to do once they get home.

If they were to just sit or lie down for a long period of time, they could start to feel agitated, and soon be doing something. From this, it will be as if it is more stressful for them to not do anything that it is for them to do things.

Stepping back

Now, if they were to become aware of how they are more or less always on the go and find it hard to relax, they can wonder what is going on. This can be something that enters their mind after they become exhausted or unwell and are forced to slow down, momentarily, if not completely.

They can look back on their life and see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. As confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, they might soon realise why they are this way.

Back In Time

From the moment they were born, or perhaps a few years after, their mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. As a result, they would have largely missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

To handle not having a number of their needs consistently met and the pain that this caused them, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self.

The outcome

They would have formed a disembodied, disconnected and not fully feeling false self. Along with this, they would have lived in the hope that, if they behaved as their mother and perhaps others wanted, they would be loved.

But as futile as this was, as their mother was probably unable to give them what they needed, and she herself had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, it would have served as a secondary defence. Therefore, by struggling for her love, it would have allowed them to release tension and helped to distract them from how they felt and what they needed.

Two parts

This stage of their life is then over, but as they will be carrying most, if not all, of the pain and the developmental needs that were not met, tension will build up inside them, and this will give them the need to be on the go. Their activity will play an important part in releasing tension and being able to keep it together and function.

Furthermore, their doing will also be a way for them to try to receive the love that they missed out on as a child. This is because although their conscious mind will realise that this stage of their life is over, their unconscious mind will project the mother that they had into people, places and things.

Two levels

On one level, then, they can believe that they want to do or achieve something because of one or a number of reasons, but at a deeper level, what they want to do or achieve will be partly, if not solely, a way for a deeper part of them to finally be loved. What this illustrates is that, at a deeper level, they have no sense of time and are blind.

If this part of them were to accept that this stage of their life is over and that another person can’t give them the love that they missed out on, it would cause them to come into contact with how they felt as a child. In the same way that doing things will help them to release tension and keep their pain at bay, unconsciously seeing life in a symbolic manner will do the same thing.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for them to be able to just be and not try to receive the love that they missed out on as a child, there will be a number of steps for them to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk