Shortly after I was in a relationship that came to an end in the beginning of 2013, I started to write more often. I remember writing about four articles a week and believing that that was enough.
Once I had been doing this for a while, I felt the need to write seven articles a week. When I spoke to my friends about how often I was writing, they were often surprised that I was able to write so much.
In The Past
I had worked out for a number of years and I read books on psychology on a regular basis, but I wouldn’t have said that I was someone who was extremely driven. Yet, I had become someone who was extremely motivated.
In a way, it was as although this was something that came out of nowhere. I didn’t need anyone to tell me to write and I didn’t need motivating; I felt the need to write and I did it.
A New Identity
It was only a matter of time before I started to see myself differently and this also had an effect on how the people in my life saw me. When I met someone for the first time, it was different, of course.
In their eyes, I was just seen as someone who was driven and that was all there was to it. They may have believed that this was how I had always been, and it was then just part of my nature.
When I was at school, I wasn’t really bothered about doing well, and it wasn’t expected to do well either. I struggled at school and, as long as I helped at home, my parents were happy.
I was told that I would be more likely to do something practical when I grew up, and this made a lot of sense. I did go to college a number of times, but I didn’t study anything that really fired me up.
I Was Searching
It wouldn’t be completely accurate to say that there wasn’t any fire within me, though, as I had been looking for something for years. Part of me was looking for something that I could commit to, I just hadn’t found it.
One of the main reasons why I became even more motivated after the relationship came to an end was that it triggered the toxic shame that was within me. Through feeling so worthless, I felt the need to feel better about myself.
The Only Way
As a result of this, I believed that I would be able to feel better if I became successful. Through feeling worthless, I believed that my value was based on what I did as opposed to who I was.
The trouble was that no matter what I achieved, I still felt the same, and this caused me to gradually step back. I ended up meeting someone called Wain towards the end of 2015, and this was a guy who was extremely sharp.
I was amazed that I had met someone who not only questioned things like I did, but who also looked deeper, too. He would often ask me why I wrote so much and he did this in such a way that I didn’t feel as though I was being judged.
I am extremely grateful that our paths crossed when they did. Through his support and what I was doing to understand myself, I was able to come across a healer who could assist me with this.
As I started to feel better about myself, I didn’t lose the desire to write; what changed was that I was coming from a different place. I no longer believed that my value was based on what I did.
However, what I still had was the need to express myself, and this is probably because I didn’t really have the chance to do this when I was younger. So, if I didn’t have this need, I might have slowed right down or stopped altogether.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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