In the beginning of 2012 and throughout 2013, I would often feel flat, and at times, it was a challenge for me to get out of bed in the morning. While this was going on, there was another part of me found it hard to accept how I felt.
I believed that I couldn’t allow myself to experience life in this way, and there were a number of reasons for this. Firstly, I had articles to write and books to read; I couldn’t take my foot of the gas, so to speak.
Secondly, I was seen as someone who was generally upbeat and sociable, so I couldn’t allow what was taking place within me to define my life. In a way, it was as if I had this weight on me and I had to do what I could to push myself forward.
What played a part here was that I wasn’t allowed to sit around as a child; I had to help my family with the guest house. Thus, through being kept in line for so many years, I had an inner voice that kept me in line as an adult.
Like A Dog with a Bone
As a result of this, I was able to write and to do other things even if I wasn’t really in the mood for it. One way of looking at it would be to say that at one point in time I was being kept in line by a tyrant and, at another, the tyrant was within me.
The trouble was that while this did allow me to take action, it also meant that I didn’t always talk to myself in a kind manner. I showed compassion to others, but rarely did I show it to myself.
In addition to pushing myself to take action, I also looked into why I felt the way that I did. And as I felt so low, I would often experience resistance when it came to doing anything that would elevate my mood.
The reason for this was that if I felt better, it would only be a matter of time before I would fall right down; it was similar to being on a high building and then falling into a deep hole. It was far less painful to feel low, than it was to rise up and then fall back down again.
A Break Through
At the same time, there were also moments when it wouldn’t matter what I did as I would still feel the same. I came to see that I was carrying a lot of anger within me, and when I expressed this I would often feel a lot better.
This was then the difference between feeling flat and not wanting to do anything, and feeling a rush of energy and wanting to embrace life. The problem was that I didn’t feel as though it was safe for me to get angry, so it was a real challenge for me to embrace my anger.
There was more to it
It was also around this time that I had a lot of fear come up, and I later found out that this was due to the trauma that I experienced whilst I was growing up. There were big traumas during this time and there were so-called little traumas.
When it relates to the former, there was the neglect and physical abuse that I went through and, when it comes to the latter, there was the verbal abuse and the fact that I grew up in an environment that was extremely unstable.
This was a time when I didn’t really understand why I was experiencing so much fear and emotional upheaval. Yet, what I didn’t know was that I had to find a way to deal with what I was going through.
What I was going through would be classed as Post-traumatic stress disorder; there is no doubt about it. I hadn’t been on a battle field, but I had grown up in an environment that had a lot in common with one.
Along with the anger that I was carrying, I also felt extremely hopeless and I was carrying a lot of grief. And all the time that I felt this way, it wasn’t going to be possible for me to rise up once again.
Ultimately, I was in a hole, and I needed to find a way to dig myself out of it. I ended up doing a lot of exercise around this time, but that didn’t have much of an effect; it just lifted me up for a short while and then I would soon return to how I felt before.
A Gradual Process
I also had people around me who I could talk to, but there was only so much that these people could do. The first step was to work with a therapist who did SHEN therapy, and this was a time when I started to feel better.
Another part of this was for me to cry out grief that was within me, and this included other feelings; this was something that I consciously did ever day for about a year. And after focusing on my emotional body, I became aware that I needed to find a way to deal with the trauma within me.
A Number of Things
The first thing I tried for healing trauma was something called somatic experiencing, which got the ball rolling, so to speak. Shortly after this, I ended up coming into contact with a healer/therapist called Ben Ralston.
There is not a name to what he does, but it is highly effective at healing trauma. A little while after this, I found out about something called Total Release Experience (TRE), and this is another effective technique for healing trauma.
Patience and Persistence
Throughout this time I had to be patient and persistent; it wasn’t to going to happen overnight and this meant that I had to keep going. When I used to speak to a friend called Sheila about my journey, she would say that I had a strong survival instinct, and I am extremely grateful for the support that she showed me.
And I would say that regardless of where someone is on their own journey, they need to keep going. The answers might not always arrive when we want them to, but I believe that they will arrive as long as we don’t completely give up.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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