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If a man has come to see that he is overly focused on his mother and is overlooking his own life, what can enter his mind is that he needs to implement boundaries with her. This can be seen as what will allow him to spend less time focused on her and more time focused on himself.
Assuming that he comes to this conclusion, the next step can involve him reading books or watching videos that go into how he can do this. After a while, he can talk to his mother about what is going on for him and make it clear that he can’t do as much for her. The next Stage If this is what he says, his mother can be understanding and make it clear that he is doing the right thing. Then again, she might criticise him or just withdraw and not say anything to him. If the former takes place, it is likely to be easier for him to become less caught up in his mother’s world and more focused on his own. Yet, if the latter takes place, it can be harder for him to do this. The Second Scenario He might have had a strong sense that he was doing the right thing by wanting to do less for his mother and more for himself, but thanks to how she has responded, he might not be so sure. At this point, he can feel guilty and have the need to go back to how he was before. He can then go back to how he was before, but as the weeks and months pass, he can start to wonder why he went back to how he was and couldn’t take the next step. What can stand out is that, due to how he feels, simply changing his behaviour is not enough. A Closer Look If he were to imagine freely expressing himself and no longer acting as if his mother were the centre of his world and he was here to meet her needs, he could feel free, alive, and powerful. After this, he could feel relieved and grateful. However, before long, he could start to not only feel guilty, but he could also feel as though he would be betraying his father. What can then stand out is that he has the need to please his mother and his father. A Strange Scenario If this is what takes place, he can wonder why he is so caught up with his need please both of his parents that he is unable to live his own life. As confusing as this is, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might make sense. This may have been a time when both his mother and his father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Not only this, but they might have looked to him to meet a number of their needs. Back In Time If so, his mother would have looked like an adult, but deep down, she would have been more like a needy child. She would then have looked to him to provide her with the attunement, stability and affection that she needed but wasn’t able to or feared attaining from his father. As for his father, allowing his son to be there for his mother in this way would have stopped him from having to get close to her. His father probably had his own fears around intimacy and thus sacrificed his son to protect himself. No Choice This is not to say that his mother and father were consciously aware of what they were doing and the harm that it was causing, as they were most likely oblivious to it. Even so, as a result of how caught up they were with their own needs, it wasn’t possible for them to truly be there for their son and provide him with what he needed. To handle missing out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection, protection and support that he needed, he would have had to lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. One Big Struggle He would have believed that, by becoming who his mother and father wanted and behaving how they wanted, they would love him. But as they were caught up with their own needs and most likely couldn’t love him, due to how depriving their childhoods probably were, it wouldn’t have mattered how he adapted. But as futile as this hope was, it would have served as a secondary defence that aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. Many years will have passed, but he will still be in an underdeveloped and disconnected state and will be controlled by his early conditioning. Moving Forward Each of these elements will play a big part in his need to be there for his mother and to please his father in the process. For him to become emotionally developed, reconnect to himself, gradually emotionally separate from both parents and be there for himself, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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