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When a man is around his mother, and he might be around her a lot, he might be very focused on her and do what he can to meet her needs. If this is what takes place, it will mean that he will lose touch with what is going on inside him and act as though he is an extension of her.
He is then going to be her son, but he will act more like a parental figure who exists to take care of her needs. As a result of this, he is not going to feel free when he is around her and once his time with her has come to an end, he is likely to feel drained. Confusion If he were to become aware of how he behaves, he could wonder why he can’t just stay connected to and freely express himself when he is around her. He could see that he has been like his for as long as he can remember. Because of this, he is likely to be sick and tired of abandoning himself around her and playing a role. He might also see that when he is not around her, he still spends a lot of time thinking about her and doing things for her. A Closer Look Now, if he were to imagine staying connected to his inner world and freely expressing himself when he is around her, he might feel free. After this, he can feel alive, powerful, relieved and grateful. Yet, before long, he can start to feel very uncomfortable, with him having the need to go back to how he was before. It can then be as if he has no control and has to be who she wants him to be. A Strange Scenario Assuming that this is what takes place, he can believe that there is no reason for him to respond in this way. He can see that, as he is an adult, not a child, his mother is not in control of him. However, even though this is the truth, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change his behaviour when he is around her. He can find that this understanding doesn’t have much of an impact on how he behaves. What’s going on? If he were to imagine, once again, that he is freely expressing himself around her and embraces the discomfort that arises, it might allow him to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on. He might see that this is a time when he expects his mother to lose control and abandon him. What this will illustrate is that focusing on her and meeting her needs is seen as the only way for him to survive. As before, he can believe that there is no reason for him to be this way. A Deeper Look If his mother did lose control and leave his life, it is would likely an impact on him, but he wouldn’t die. With this in mind, it could be said that what is going on for him is irrational. But although it is irrational in the here and now, if what he went through as a child were taken into account, it would probably make complete sense. This is likely to have been a stage of his life when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Way Back What he needed at this stage of his life, to grow and develop in the right way, was a mother who was typically attuned to his needs and met them. Instead, his mother is likely to have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Furthermore, she is likely to have looked toward him to be there for her and meet some of her needs. Most likely, she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years and couldn’t provide him with what he needed. One Option Due to what she was like, he would have been forced to adapt to her, which would have caused him to lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Adapting in this way would have been a way for him to not only keep it together and function, but also avoid being abandoned. In general, this might have worked, but there are likely to have been moments when it didn’t. Another Element He would have also lived in the hope that, by becoming who she wanted and doing what she wanted, she would love him. This would have been futile, but blaming himself would have given him a sense of control, and it would have served as a secondary defence. It would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension, helping him to handle this traumatising stage of his life. Many years will have passed, of course, but a big part of him won’t realise this. Moving Forward At a deeper, emotional level, his mother will still be seen as being in control of whether he lives or dies. Along with this, he will still be in a disconnected state and looking for the love that he missed out on. For him to gradually change his life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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