Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Man Fear That He Would Lose Himself If He Left His Mother?

If a man were to see that he is overly focused on his mother and is neglecting himself, he might soon feel the need to spend less time being there for her and more time being there for himself. However, this doesn’t mean that he will just be able to draw the line with her and start living his own life.

No, he might find that when he thinks about speaking up to his mother, let alone speaking to her, he feels very uncomfortable. This can be a time when he feels anxious and fearful and guilty and ashamed.

Two Parts

If this is what takes place, it will be clear that his survival is attached to his mother and he believes that it is wrong for him to live his own life. From this, it is not a surprise that he is focused on his mother.

His greatest need is to survive and he also won’t want to feel bad about himself. If, then, he were able to freely express himself and live his own life without feeling as though his life is going to come to an end and feeling bad, his life would be radically different.

Confusion

Now, as he is an adult and a separate human being, it can seem strange that his survival would be attached to his mother. If he was still a child this would be the case but now that he is an adult, this is not the case.

What might enter his mind is that he just needs to ‘man up’ and ‘stop acting like a boy’. There might also be other men in his life who say the same thing or something similar.

Another Angle

However, if he does have this view and is critical of himself, what he can keep in mind is that he is likely to be carrying a lot of pain. Some of this pain will be unlocked when he thinks about breaking away from his mother.

If it wasn’t for this pain, he would probably be able to freely express himself and live his own life without feeling as though he is going to die or feel bad. This pain will then be what causes him to feel as though he is all at sea emotionally and lose his ability to experience inner stability.

What’s going on?

The reason why he is carrying so much pain is likely to be because he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded during his formative years. Throughout his time, his mother is likely to have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

This would have stopped him from receiving the nutrients that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. He wouldn’t have gone from an emotionally dependent boy to an emotionally interdependent man.

Developmentally Stunted

Instead, he would have stayed in an emotionally dependent state, which is why his survival is still attached to his mother. At this stage of his life, being ignored, rejected and left is likely to have been the norm.

This would have traumatised him and it would have stopped him from being able to develop a strong sense of self. If this stage of his life was different, he probably would be able to act like a separate human being and feel whole and complete.

A Brutal Time

Taking this into account, he is not going to be behaving this way because he is weak or lacks courage, for instance; he will be behaving in this way because he missed out on what he needed during the most important stage of his development. What happened will be ‘in the past’ but a big part of him won’t have moved on.

The pain that he is carrying will be the result of a number of his developmental needs seldom if ever being met. There will also be the unmet development needs that he is carrying.

Drawing the line

So, for him to move forward there will be pain for him to face and work through and unmet developmental needs for him to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk