Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Man Have An Identity Crisis When He Breaks Away From His Mother?

If a man has come to see that he is behaving as if he is an extension of his mother and is ignoring a number of his own needs, he can feel a strong need to do less for her and do more for himself. Then again, it might go further than this, as he might not want to do a great deal for her.

However, he can experience a fair amount of resistance when it comes to doing less for her and more for himself. So, if he were to imagine not being there for her as much, it could cause him to feel anxious and fearful.

A Closer Look

If he were to stay with how he feels and go deeper, he can find that he fears that he will be rejected and abandoned. Not behaving in this way, then, is going to be seen as something that is a threat to his survival.

Now, as he is an adult and doesn’t need his mother to be able to survive, it could be said that this will be irrational. If he were a boy who was dependent on his mother, it would be different, of course.

Going Deeper

However, as irrational as this may appear to be, it is likely to be a consequence of what took place during his early years and the impact it had on him. This is likely to have been a time when he didn’t receive the attunement, care and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

If this were the case, he would have had to adapt to his mother's needs and be who she wanted him to be and do what she wanted him to do. He would then have not only been greatly deprived and deeply wounded, but he would have been forced to act like a caretaker.

A Brutal Time

Thus, instead of receiving what he needed to go from a dependent to an interdependent human being and develop a strong sense of self, he would have stayed in a developmentally stunted state and not developed a strong sense of self. Further, the connection that he had to his connected and feeling true self would have been replaced by a disconnected, unfeeling and outer-directed false self.

As to why his early years were like this, there is a strong chance that his mother was in a developmentally stunted state and wasn’t able to provide him with the emotional nutrients that he needed. He would then have received what he needed to survive, such as food, clothing and shelter, but that would have typically been about it.

A natural outcome

Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but he will still be in a developmentally stunted state. This is why his mother will be seen as essential to his survival.

During his formative years, he wouldn’t have been able to leave his mother, as he needed her to survive. Yet, as he didn’t receive what he needed, a big part of him will still see her in the same way.  

Moreover, as he was conditioned to be there for her and meet her needs, he is likely to feel guilty if he doesn’t focus on her. Therefore, there are going to be two hurdles that he will need to overcome when it comes to living his own life.

Another part

At this point, it can be as if once his survival is no longer attached to his mother and he doesn’t have the need to please her to be a good person, he will just be able to live his own life. This might be so, but what he could find is that he feels lost and confused.

He is then not going to know who he is or what he wants to do with his life, among other things. But, as the main purpose of his life was to focus on and please his mother, this is to be expected.

Moving Forward

He would have been abandoning himself during this time, and this wouldn’t have been serving him, but behaving in this way would have provided him with inner structure and given him something to do. Without this, it is going to be normal for him to question who he is and not have a clear idea about how he wants to live his life.

What this illustrates is how, for a man in this position, it is not just about him changing his thoughts and behaving differently, for instance, there is far more to it than that. He will have conditioning to question, pain to face and work through, unmet developmental needs to experience, and a new identity to form and to create a new purpose.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

---

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.
• Consultations.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk