Although a mother-enmeshed man’s life is likely to revolve around his mother, it doesn’t mean that he won’t end up getting into a relationship. When this takes place, he might spend less time doing things for his mother.
But as time goes by, he could end becoming more focused on his mothers needs. So, while he will have changed and this will have a negative effect on his relationship, he will have simply gone back to how he was before.
If his partner was able to go back in time and see what he was like, she might soon see that he hasn’t really changed. He changed when he was there for her, not when he went back to focusing on his mother.
Still, she could hope that he will go back to how he was before long. She may believe that if she gives him some space, he will end up being less focused on his mother and more focused on her.
What can play a part in why he has pulled away from his partner is that he feels smothered and controlled by her. Instead of asserting his boundaries and speaking up, he will have ended up disconnecting from her.
However, while this will make it easier for him to be around her, his mother is likely to be smothering and controlling. He will then have pulled away from one person who he feels uncomfortable around, only to move closer to another who he also feels uncomfortable around.
What is taking place in his life is likely to mean that he will feel frustrated and angry but, he will probably do his best to hide how he truly feels. He won’t be a carpet, then, yet he will act like a doormat.
He will just tolerate being treated badly and go along with things that don’t serve him. Somewhere, deep within him, will be his masculinity, and he will need to embrace this part of his being in order for his life to change.
A Helpless Position
He could have moments when he thinks about what it would be like for him to stand his ground but it won’t go any further than that. As opposed to a man who has control over his life, he could see himself as someone who is totally powerless.
Now, irrespective of whether his partner is smothering and controlling or he just perceives her behaviour in this way, being around a woman like this is likely to be what feels comfortable at a deeper level. So, at a conscious level, it will annoy him but at another level, it will be what feels safe.
Due to this, even if his partner wasn’t overly masculine when they first got together, she may have become overly masculine during their time together. Thanks to his inability to be assertive and take the lead, his partner will have been forced to take on the “male role”.
Therefore, even though his partner might not have an issue with being this way from time to time, she might have to be this way at work, for instance, she won’t want to be this way all of the time. There will be moments when she will want to let go, to be in her feminine and for her partner to take the lead.
A Closer Look
The question is: why is he unable to assert himself? What this is likely to come down to is that, at a deeper level, he fears that he will be rejected and abandoned if he asserts himself.
Not being this way is then likely to lead to this outcome and yet he will believe that not being this way is the only way for him to avoid this outcome. Pleasing his partner, and to do this he will believe that he needs to hide his needs, will be seen as the only way for him to keep his partner around.
Back In Time
To understand why he is this way, it will be necessary to take a closer look at what took place during his early years. Most likely, this was a time when his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs.
If he expressed his needs, he probably would have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned. To survive, he had to lose touch with his needs and to do what he could to please his mother.
Replaying The Past
At a deeper level, he won’t be able to realise that his partner is not his mother. This is why he will see her in the same way that he saw his mother as a child and thus, will hide both his needs and himself around her.
He will fear that his life will come to an end if he was to express his needs and to assert himself, and he is likely to feel like an abandoned boy. Thanks to what he didn’t receive as a child, he will be emotionally stunted.
A Strong Need
By feeling so empty and unsupported, he will unconsciously want to be taken care of and given the love that he didn’t receive as a child. This is why he will have attracted a woman who acts like a mother or she will have been forced into this role.
The trouble is that this stage of his life is over; he needs to grieve his unmet childhood needs. Neither his partner, nor anyone else for that matter, can give him what he missed out on as a child.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.