Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother Enmeshed-Man’s Mother ‘Play The Victim’?

If a man has come to see that he is not living his own life due to how much he does for his mother, he can have the need to speak to her about what he is going through. He can hope that if he talks to her, she will be understanding and supportive.

Naturally, her responding in this way will make it easier for him to change his behaviour and do what is right for him. Now, if this does happen, he could be relieved and grateful.

Another Scenario

However, when he does speak to her, this can be a time when she won’t be understanding or supportive. Instead, she can end up ignoring what he says and talking about something else.

Then again, she could listen to what he has to say but she could soon become angry and criticise him. She could make out that he doesn’t do much for him or say that as she is his mother, he should be there for her or something similar.

Another outcome

After this or even before this has taken place, she could talk about how she wouldn’t be able to cope without him and accuse him of not loving her. She could also talk about how she did a lot for him when he was a boy and over the years.

It could go further than this, though, as she might talk about how she doesn’t think that she has got long left to live.  As a result of this, he could end up feeling guilty and ashamed.

His Experience

Thanks to how he feels and the thoughts that he is likely to have, he can come to the conclusion that it is wrong for him to do what is right for him. What will feel right will be for him to neglect himself and be there for his mother.    

Nonetheless, just because he has this outlook, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. The truth is that he is here to express who he is and to live his own life.

The Other Side

As for his mother, based on how she behaved, it will be clear that she is not willing to accept that her son is not her possession and has his own life to lead. In her eyes, he will have one purpose and one purpose only – to be there for her.

And, the fact that she made out that she would suffer if he changed his behaviour and couldn’t acknowledge that he is suffering by behaving in this way, shows that she is not willing to reflect on her own behaviour or think about the impact that it is having on him.

The Same Story

After a while, he could try to get through to her again, believing that this time it will be different. Yet, he could find that the same thing takes place no matter how many times he tries to get her to acknowledge his needs and feelings.

At this point, he could wonder why she is so caught up with herself and out of reach. It will be as though she can see his physical self but she is not willing to accept that he has a separate sense of self and his own needs and feelings.

A Closer Look

What this is likely to show is that she is developmentally stunted and is, thus, not choosing to be this way. There is a strong chance that, at an emotional level, she didn’t move beyond around three years of age.

If, then, she comes across as strong and bold, this is going to be part of the false self that was automatically created during her formative years. The disconnected and inflated false self that she will have formed at this stage of her life would have allowed her to keep it together and function.

A Divided Being

She would have lost touch with her feeling self and this would have undermined her ability to empathise and experience compassion. Her mother and perhaps her father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

This would have stopped her from receiving the nutrients that she needed to move through each stage of her development. When the time came for her to be a mother, she wouldn’t have been in a position to provide her son with what he needed.

Role Reversal

From a very young age, she would have unconsciously seen him as a parental figure and looked toward him to be there for her. In the same way that his mother was deprived, he would have been deprived and just as she had to lose touch with her true self, he would have also had to lose touch with his true self.

He would have developed a disconnected, outer-directed and perhaps deflated false self. This is why putting himself first will feel wrong as he was conditioned to believe that his needs were bad and that he was here to please his mother.

Moving Forward

For him to change his life and accept that his mother is and will probably always be out of reach and unable to see and hear him, he is likely to have a lot of inner and outer work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk