Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman Blame Mother-Enmeshed Men To Avoid Her Emotional Wounds?

Not too long ago, a woman may have been with a man who was overly focused on his mother. And, now that it is over, she could feel tired and confused, but also greatly relieved.

This is because she is likely to have given a lot while receiving very little, and yet, no matter what she did, it might not have changed his behaviour. Thus, due to this, it will make sense if she is thankful that it has come to an end.

The Same Old Story

However, what can add to what she is going through is that this might not be the first time that she has been in this position. She might see that the last man she was with was very similar.

That might be as far back as it goes, or it could go back even further than this. So, she could see that she has been with at least three men who were like this.

External Feedback

If she were to speak to a trusted female friend about this, they could be understanding and supportive. This friend could say that there is nothing wrong with her; it’s just that she keeps ending up with the wrong men.

This friend could go further than this, though, as she could say that this is just what men are like. After having this conversation, she can think about what was said and agree with some, if not all, of it.

One Scenario

She could conclude that the men she ends up with are the ones with the issues, not her. When it comes to how she views herself, she could see herself as open, available, confident, capable and even self-aware, for instance.

Assuming that this is how she sees herself, it will be very different to how she sees the men that she ends up with. If she were to describe them, she could say that they are closed, unavailable, unconfident, incapable and lacking self-awareness

Another part

As a result, if she were to come across information that said that she doesn’t just randomly end up with men who are like this and what is going on for her is playing a part, she could react negatively. In her eyes, it can be as though she is being blamed and invalidated.

And, if the information is being presented by a man, she might even accuse him of having something against women. Therefore, it won’t be that he is trying to assist her; no, it is that he has a hidden agenda and is trying to undermine her.

The Next Stage

Nonetheless, it might not be long until she ends up dating another man and this time she might believe that it will be different. This can be because he doesn’t speak to or live anywhere near his mother.

Either way, she can be full of hope and often experience positive feelings. But, before long, she could see that the man she is with is, ultimately, no different to any of the other men that she has been with.

Rock Bottom

If this is the case, she could end up feeling very low; it can be as though she has been deflated. Consequently, she can start to think about the information that she was exposed to previously and wonder if there is any truth to it.

Along with this, another part of her can dismiss this information and say that it is not true, or words to that effect. What might soon enter her mind is that there is conflict inside her and that it is as if part of her doesn’t want to take a closer look at why this area of her life is this way.

What’s going on?

After this, she can wonder why there is this resistance, as she will see that unless something changes, she will continue to be deprived in this area of her life. What this can show is that by seeing the men that she has been with as the problem, it stops her from having to come into contact with parts of herself that are painful.

If, on the other hand, she were to take her attention away from what is going on externally and bring it inside herself, she might gradually connect to feelings that make her feel uncomfortable. For example, she could find that she fears closeness and feels worthless and unlovable.

A Closer Look

For so long, she will have had a defensive self in place that stopped her from connecting to these feelings, allowing her to keep it together and function. This self would have caused her to react defensively whenever information was presented that threatened this defence.

Most likely, this defensive structure was created during her formative years. At this stage of her life, it would have served her, but as time passed, it would have ended up undermining her.

Going Deeper

During her formative years, her mother and perhaps her father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, one or both of them might have been very controlling, smothering and even verbally abusive.

If so, she would have missed out on the attunement, care, affection, support and validation that she needed. Being ignored, rejected, abandoned, smothered and humiliated would have been the norm.

One option

To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded and keep it together and function, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs. The outcome of this is that as the years passed, she would have lost touch with her connected, embodied and feeling true self and formed a disconnected, disembodied and unfeeling false self.

This wouldn’t have changed what was going on, of course, but it would have stopped them from being consciously aware of how much pain she was in and how deprived she was. And although how she was treated had nothing to do with them, as she was egocentric, she would have believed that her needs and feelings were bad, and that she was worthless and unlovable.

An Additional Element

Another part of this is that she would have lived in the hope that, if she became who her mother and perhaps her father wanted and did what they wanted, she would be loved. But, as futile as this hope was, as her mother and perhaps her father were probably unable to love them, it would have served as a secondary defence.

Many years will have passed since this stage of her life, but part of her will still be struggling for her mother’s and/or father’s love. This deeper part of her has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it won’t see that as another man is not her mother and/or father and this stage of her life is over; it is too late for her to receive this love.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for her to change this area of her life, there will be a number of steps for her to take. There will be beliefs for her to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.
This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk