Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman Feel Comfortable With Emotional Distance If She Ends Up With Mother-Enmeshed Men?

For a number of weeks, months or longer, a woman may have been with a man who is overly focused on his mother. Due to this, he can seldom be physically available, let alone emotionally available.

She is then rarely going to see him, and when they do spend time together, they typically talk about surface-level things. Along with this, he might not be very affectionate, but might want sex, he might become even more withdrawn if she talks about anything deep, and he might not be very understanding.

A Big Difference

Nevertheless, while this is what it might be like now, it might have been different in the past. So, when they first started dating, they might have spent a lot of time together, and they might have had deep conversations.

Additionally, he might have been very affectionate, and he might have been very understanding. If this is the case, it can be as if the man she was with has been replaced by another man.

A Very Different Experience

Thanks to this, at the beginning, her need to be seen and heard, receive affection, and be understood, among other needs, would have been met. Now, though, very few of her needs will be met.

If at one stage, then, it was as if she were living in a house that had a lot of food; it can now be as if she is in a house where there is very little food available. As a result of this, she is going to be living a life where she is deprived.

The next Stage

After trying to change the man for however long and not getting very far, she can end up cutting her ties with him. At this point, she can conclude that he simply wasn’t ready to have an intimate relationship.

This might be the first time that she has been with a man who is like this, or she might have been in this position before. If she has been in this position before, she can believe that she just happens to end up with men who are like this and is unlucky.

Another Angle

But, if she sees herself as being available and she ends up with men who are not, what else would she believe? Still, what if only a small part of her is available, but an even bigger part of her is not available?

Upon hearing this, she could say that this is not true, as she is ready to have a real relationship or words to that effect. If she does respond in this way, what she will need to keep in mind is that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind or conscious sense of herself.

Going Deeper

She also has an unconscious mind, and this part of her is bigger and far more impactful than the other part of her. At this level, there is a strong chance that keeping a man at emotional distance is what feels safe, which is why this part of her will make sure that she isn’t drawn to a man who is available.

This is why she has continually ended up with men who are close and then pull away, as a big part of her is unable to tolerate emotional closeness for a long period of time. She will then experience it and will appreciate this at a conscious level, but before long, this will get too much for her unconscious mind/body to handle, and this part of her will make sure it is watered down, if not completely disappear.

Inner Conflict

If she sees herself as available and generally tries to make a man more available, and is thus the pursuer and the men she is drawn to are the distancers, it will be clear that this is only part of her. In addition to this part of her, she will be unavailable and the distancer.

A small part of her is then saying, Come toward me, but a bigger part of her is saying, Don’t get close to me. The men that she has been with are then a reflection of the part of her that fears closeness.
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Another Direction

This is why it has been said that we don’t live in the world, we live in a mirror. The trap is that it is easy to be caught up in what is going on externally and oblivious to what is going on internally, and thereby, unable to see how the external world is mirroring back what is going on internally.

Anyway, a woman can wonder why she would fear emotional closeness at a deeper level. The reason for this is that her early years may have been a stage of her life that was anything but nurturing.

Back In Time

So, from a very young age, she might have missed out on the attunement and care that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. Consequently, being left when she needed attention and receiving attention when she didn’t need it would have often occurred.

She would have often been rejected and left, and felt smothered and trapped. To handle what happened, as she was powerless and dependent, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs.

An Adaption

This would have involved her losing touch with her connected true self and developing a disconnected false self. She would have come to associate closeness with something that would cause her to be smothered and lose herself.

And, as she was egocentric, she would have believed that how she was treated was a sign that she was worthless and unlovable. The years would then have passed, and she would have forgotten about what happened at this stage of her life, but what happened and the impact it had on her will continue to shape her reality.

Moving Forward

Taking this into account, as frustrating and draining as it will be for her to be with a man who is out of reach, another part of her will experience a sense of control. This part of her will be happy as it won’t have to feel overwhelmed.

For her to put the past behind her and feel safe with and worthy of emotional closeness, she will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk