Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman Feel Guilty After She Leaves A Mother-Enmeshed Man?

After having been with a man who is overly focused on his mother for a little while, a woman can think about cutting her ties with him. This is because she might not have the energy or the desire to continue living in this way.

But, if she has been in this position for a number of months or even years, this is not going to be much of a sunrise. She will have given a lot while receiving very little in return, which will have taken a lot out of her.

Worn Down

Thanks to this, other areas of her life might have started to fall apart. So, when she is at work, she might not be able to perform as well as she usually does and she might have lost interest in seeing her friends and exercising, for instance.

Her friends might have become aware of this and questioned why she is with a man who is undermining her. They might have made it clear that the man that she is with is not right for her.

Resistance

But, although she is likely to appreciate their support and even be contemplating moving on, there can be a part of her that is holding on. This part of her can have the need to stay with him.

The reason for this is that she can feel responsible for him and, thus, believes that she would be letting him down if she walked away from him. Based on this, it will be up to her to stay with him and to do what she can to help him.

External Feedback

If she were to talk to a friend about this, they could tell her that she is not responsible for him. They could make it clear that the only person she is responsible for is herself.

After hearing this, she could say that she agrees with them. Additionally, she could talk about how much she has already done for him, and how she has done far more for him than anyone else in his life has.

An Exercise

Now, if she were to imagine cutting her ties with him and focusing on herself again, this can be a time when she will feel greatly relieved. But, it might not be long until she is filled with guilt.

It will then be as if she has done something wrong and needs to get back with him in order to do the right thing. With this in mind, as worn down as she will be after being with him, leaving him is going to be seen as something that will be even worse.

A Pattern

At this point, she can wonder why she feels responsible for a man who she has only known for a few months or years and believes that she would be doing the wrong thing if she left him. Ultimately, she is not responsible for him and the guilt that she experiences is irrational.

If she were to step back and reflect on this area of her life, she might see that this is not the first time that she has been in this position. She might see that she has been with at least one other man who she felt responsible for and was filled with guilt after she left him.

What’s going on?

If this is the case, what it can show is that she was made to feel responsible for her mother and/or father during her formative years and forced to abandon herself. As a result of this, she will still be looking for the love that she missed out on.

Throughout this stage of her life, her mother and/or father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. This would have caused her to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

A Futile Struggle

To handle being deprived and wounded, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs. This would have allowed her to keep it together and function.

But, although the love that she needed wasn’t provided, she would have done what she could to be loved by her mother and/or father. This would have involved her losing touch with her connected, true self, and creating a disconnected and outer-directed, false self.

Self-Alienated

Being focused on and trying to meet her mother’s and/or father’s needs would have been a way for her to try to be seen and heard and cared for. Instead of being the child and receiving what she needed, then, she would have had to act like a parent and be the one who was attuned and caring.

From a young age, she would have been conditioned to ignore her own needs and feelings and be there for others. However, as her mother and/or father were unable to provide her with the love that she needed, it wouldn’t have mattered who she became or what she did.

Moving Forward

This stage of her life will be over, of course, but a big part of her will still be looking for the love that she missed out on. This part of her will believe that if she is able to save a man, he will be there for her and she will finally be loved.

What this shows is that this part of her has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t accept that it is too late for her to receive this love and that another man is not her mother and/or father. For her to change this area of her life, she is likely to have beliefs to questing, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk