Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman Have An Unconscious Fear Of Being Smothered If She Ends Up With Mother-Enmeshed Men?​

Recently, a woman may have been with a man who was overly focused on his mother. Due to this, when she was with him, she was likely to have often felt ignored, rejected, and even abandoned.

If this were the case, it would have been a relationship where she received very little but gave a lot of herself. Now that it is over, a big part of her can be relieved, while another part of her can be in a bad way emotionally.

Far More Intense

She can find that, even though she is an adult, she feels like a child who has been left by her parent or parents. As a result, she can often feel overwhelmed and spend a lot of time crying.

Thanks to this, although she will no longer be in a relationship that is not serving her, she won’t just be able to carry on as normal. When it comes to the impact that her feelings are having, she might find it hard to sleep and to perform at her best when she is at work.

External Feedback
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If she were to talk to a trusted friend about what is going on for her, they could be very supportive and understanding. They could say that over time, she will get back on her feet and feel better.

After speaking to this friend, not once, but on a number of occasions, as well as others, she can find that she feels better. What can also help her move forward is crying, exercising, eating well, and focusing on her hobbies.

The Next Stage

After a number of weeks, months and even years have passed, she could end up dating another man. And, like before, it could start off well, but as time passes, he could soon become out of reach.

Assuming that this takes place, she can feel drained and, just like before, she can feel ignored, rejected and even abandoned. Before long, she can realise that the man that she is with is no different to the last man that she was with and cut her ties with him.

Another fall

If this takes place, she can often feel overwhelmed and spend a lot of time crying. Assuming that she has this experience again, what can enter her mind is that the man she was with caused her to feel this way.

The man that she was with before this, and perhaps other men that she has been with who were the same, can then be seen as having caused her to feel this way, too. Consequently, she can feel helpless and hopeless.
 
A Natural Outcome

Yet, as she will feel bad during and after a relationship, in addition to wanting to be with a man who is available but hasn’t attracted a man who is, this is not a surprise. What can enter her mind is that she is unlucky, or that this is just what men are like.

Nonetheless, what if the reason she feels abandoned during and after a relationship is not solely because a man makes her feel this? What if how she felt was held inside her unconscious mind, and the man simply played a part in making her conscious of how she already felt?

Another Element

Furthermore, what if, deep down, she also has a fear of being smothered, and this is why she continually ends up with men who are out of reach? She will then consciously suffer when she is with a man who is out of reach, and once her time with him comes to an end, but at an unconscious level, this will be what feels safe.

If, at this point, she experiences resistance, but also curiosity, she can wonder why there is a part of her that fears being smothered. But if she were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for her as a child, it might soon make sense.

Back In Time

During this stage of her life, her parent or parents might not have been completely emotionally unavailable and out of reach, as she might have often received the attunement, care, affection and support that she needed. However, in addition to this, there might have often been moments when she was abandoned and smothered.

Assuming that this was the case, she wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to her parent or parents. But as there were moments when she did receive attuned care, she would have developed a stronger fear of being abandoned than of being smothered.

A Lot to Deal With

To handle not receiving the care that she needed, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs. This would have involved her losing touch with her embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self.

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self. Her underdeveloped brain would have also personalised what took place, with her coming to believe that her needs and feelings were bad, and she was worthless and unlovable.

Moving Forward

Lastly, although her parent or parents were unable to provide her with what she needed, she would have lived in the hope that, if she struggled for their love, they would be there for her. This hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for her to keep it together and function.

This stage of her life will be over, of course, but, as she will still be carrying most, if not all, of the pain and the unmet developmental needs that her brain repressed all those years ago, not to mention that part of her will cause her to unconsciously re-create what it was like for her as a child to try to receive the love that she missed out on, it makes sense why this area of her life is not very fulfilling. For her to change this area of her life, she will have a number of steps to take.

There will be beliefs for her to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs for her to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If she can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk