Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman Lose Herself In A Mother-Enmeshed Man If She Has Too Much Empathy?26/10/2024
If a woman is currently with a man who is overly focused on his mother, she could spend a lot of time feeling frustrated, angry, and drained. But, if she has given a lot to him and received very little, this is to be expected.
He will be directing most of his time and energy toward his mother and she will be directing most of her time and energy toward him. His mother will then be receiving and so will he, but she won’t be receiving a great deal. Living In the Wrong Way Therefore, the man that she is with will be out of balance and so will she. She may have behaved in this way for a few weeks, months or even years. Either way, she could be at the point where she no longer has the energy to behave in this way. But, even if this is the case, a big part of her could still have the need to be there for him. Her Focus When they first started dating, she might have put a lot of her energy into trying to understand and help him. Thus, after she became aware of how caught up he was with his mother, she would have done her best to put herself in his shoes, to not judge him and be supportive. She may have believed that this was the right way for her to be and that over time, he would change. But, as he was now seeing a woman, it could be said that it would have been normal for him to spend less time focusing on his mother and more time focusing on her. No Different But, although this should have been what took place, it won’t have been what took place. Instead, his behaviour won’t have really changed and this will have caused him to neglect the woman that he is with. Due to what is going on, she needs to be less focused on what is going on for him and trying to help him and more focused on her own needs and helping herself. However, although this is what she will need to do, thanks to the part of her that has the need to be there for him, this won’t take place. Stepping Back The trouble is that while part of her will believe that being understanding and helping him is the right thing for her to do, it won’t actually help him; it will just enable his behaviour. Moreover, being this way will cause her to turn her back on herself. If she were to imagine that she was to focus less on trying to understand and help him and more on trying to understand and help herself, she could end up feeling guilty and ashamed. It will then be as though she is doing something wrong by no longer neglecting herself. Going Deeper Along with this, she could end up feeling anxious and fearful. Ergo, not only will she be doing something wrong by no longer abandoning herself but her survival will be under threat. Taking this into account, it is not going to be a surprise that she has lost herself in him. This could be the first time that she has been in this position; then again, she may have been in at least one other relationship where she lost herself. What’s going on? What this is likely to illustrate is that at one stage of her life, she was trained to focus on other people’s needs and ignore her own. This is why she only has a part of her that believes that it is important for her to be understanding and helpful and not a part that realises that she also has to have boundaries. If she had this understanding, she wouldn’t be willing to lose herself in another person and run herself into the ground. She would know that she is only responsible for herself and it is not up to her to save anyone. Back In Time When it comes to the stage of her life when she was trained in this way, it is likely to be during her formative years. This may have been a time when her mother and/or father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. As a result, of this, she would have been forced to focus on one or both of her parents needs. This would have meant that she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded, and, to handle what was going on, she would have lost touch with how she felt and a number of her needs. The Message How she was treated was not a reflection of her value or lovability or a sign that her needs and feelings were bad. But, as she was egocentric, she would have personalised what took place. She would then have believed that she was worthless and unlovable and that her needs and feelings were bad. Many years will have passed, but she will continue to hide herself when she is in a relationship and she will believe, deep down, that if she continues to struggle, she will finally be loved. It’s over The part of her that is still struggling for the love that she missed out on as a child has no sense of time and is blind. This is why it won’t matter that a man is not her mother or father or that it is too late for her to receive what she missed out on. For her to put this old and futile struggle to an end and realise that she is valuable and lovable and that her heeds and feelings are not bad, she is likely to have beliefs to question and pain to face and work through. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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