Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman Stay With A Mother-Enmeshed Man If She Has An Inner Masochist?

After having been in a relationship where she has been deprived for a number of months or even years, a woman may take a step back and reflect on her life. During this time, she can see that she is with a man who is overly focused on his mother and can’t be there for himself, let alone her.

Due to how much she has given and how little she has received, she can be well and truly fed up and exhausted. However, even though she will be in a position that is not serving her, she might not be able to just cut her ties with him.

External Feedback

Therefore, if one or a number of her close friends were to suggest that it is in her best interests to move on, it is unlikely to have much of an impact. She can agree with what they say and be grateful for their support, but she might not take the next step.

Assuming that this is so, she can wonder why she has the need to stay in a position that is harming her. She might soon conclude that there is something inherently wrong with her.

A Closer Look

If she were to think about why she stays with him, her mind might go blank at first. But over time, what might enter her mind is that she believes he will change if she just hangs in there.

She might also see that she believes she would be a bad person if she were to walk away and leave him. After this, she might see that it is unlikely that he will ever change and that, as she is not responsible for him, stepping away from him, for her own wellbeing, wouldn’t make her a bad person.

A Theme

Now, this might be the first time that she has been in this position; then again, she might have been with a number of men like this. Furthermore, she might see that endlessly giving, being deprived and suffering as a result is a pattern in most of her relationships.

Thus, even if she were to end her relationship with him, she wouldn't end up living a life where she is used to having her needs met and being happy. After becoming aware of the need to sacrifice herself for others, her attachment to not being happy, and seeing herself as good for being this way, she can wonder what is going on.

A Deeper Look

As strange as this is, if she were able to go back in time and observe her early years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a stage of her life when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Along with this, one or both of them might have often been depressed and unable to cope with life. Consequently, she would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support she needed.

An Adaption

To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, she would have lost touch with her embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

And as she was egocentric at this stage of her life, she would have come to believe that her needs and feelings were bad, that she was worthless and unlovable, and was responsible for her mother or father. What might have also played a part in how she came to see herself is that her mother or father might have often spoken about how much they sacrificed for her and criticised her when she was happy.

It was futile

Lastly, she might have typically received attention and acceptance when she wasn’t doing well and was unwell. If this were the case, she would have come to associate sacrificing herself and suffering with being accepted, good and connected and thus, surviving.

She would have also lived in the hope that, by sacrificing herself and suffering, she would be loved. But as her mother and perhaps her father had probably also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their early years and couldn’t provide her with what she needed, it wouldn’t have mattered who she became or what she did.

Another Element

Even so, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed her to release tension. To ensure that her behaviour didn’t change, as this would have been seen as a threat to their survival, her outer parents would have been internalised.

Their outer parents would then have become part of her inner voice or superego, ensuring that she continued to abandon herself, wasn’t happy and suffered. This stage of her life will now be over, of course, but not of her will realise this.

Moving Forward

For her to gradually change her life so that she can be there for herself, and no longer feels comfortable with suffering, there will be a number of steps for her to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out or external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

---

​If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk