Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman Stop Herself From Being With Mother-Enmeshed Men By Learning About Their Red Flags?

After having been with a number of men who were overly focused on their mothers and were out of reach emotionally, a woman can be fed up. But, as she will have been endlessly deprived, this is to be expected.

However, she can conclude that if she learns how to spot if a man is like this, this area of her life will change. She can believe that, by doing this, it will stop her from taking things further with one and having an experience that has become all too familiar.

The Next Step

Due to this, she can spend a lot of time looking into how a man like this behaves. After watching numerous videos, reading articles and perhaps books, she can have a rough idea about what a man, who is not ready for a relationship, is like.

So, she can learn that a man like this can live with his mother or just spend a lot of time doing things for her. Or, if he doesn’t live with her or do a lot for her, he can avoid talking about her altogether.

Other Signs

And about how he can also come on very strong at the beginning, with him acting as though he doesn’t want to take his time to get to know her. Lastly, she can find out that a man like this won’t have a strong connection to his emotional self.

Along with this, the experiences that she has had over the years are also likely to help her with this process. After she has a clear idea about what to look for, she can decide that she is ready to start dating again, assuming that she decided to take a break.

The Next Step

The first man that she meets might talk about how close he is to his mother and how much he does for her, for example. At this point, she can conclude that he is not ready to have a relationship and should not meet him again.

After this, she can meet a man who speaks to his mother but also has his own life. As a result, she can conclude that he might be different to the other men that she has been with and be happy for things to progress.

The Same Old Story

There is a chance that he will be different, but then again, he might turn out to be the same as the other men that she has been with. If this is the case, she can end up feeling frustrated and angry, and before long, helpless and hopeless.

She can end up criticising herself for not being able to see the signs that he was no different to the other men that she has been with. What this will do is make it even harder for her to handle what she is going through.

Stepping Back

What can enter her mind is that she is a failure and is stupid for not realising earlier that the man she is with is no different to the others. Nonetheless, while she can respond in this way, what if what is going on in this area of her life hasn’t got anything to do with how capable or intelligent she is?

Instead, what if it is a consequence of a deeper, hidden need that she has to become more integrated and whole? After hearing this, she can feel very confused and wonder how being with a man who is out of reach emotionally will allow this to take place.

A Closer Look

What this can show is that her early years were anything but nurturing, with this being a time when she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. One or both of her parents might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

To handle not receiving the attunement, care, affection and support that she needed, part of her consciousness would have ended up being split off and repressed. This would have caused her to develop a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self.

Repetition Compulsion

Still, deep down, she would have hoped that, by becoming who they wanted and behaving how they wanted, she would be loved. This false hope, false, as most likely, her parent or parents were unable to provide her with what she needed, would have served as a secondary defence.

Now, although this stage of her life is over, a big part of her will still be looking for the love that she missed out on. This part of her is blind and has no sense of time, which is why it can’t see that, as this stage of her life is over and another man is not her parent, it is too late for her to receive what she missed out on.

Another Element

Nonetheless, another part of this need that she has to unconsciously recreate her depriving early years is that by doing this, she will be able to experience the developmental needs and feelings that were spit off and repressed all those years ago. But in order for these parts of her to be integrated, they need to be faced.

If, on the other hand, what arises within her, when she is with a man like this, is seen as being caused by the man, this process won’t take place. This inner material that was held inside her unconscious mind will enter her conscious mind, and then, before long, it will be repressed again.   

Moving Forward

From this, she might see that what is taking place in this area of her life is not a sign that there is anything inherently wrong with her; it is a sign that her body is doing what it can to make her more integrated and whole. The trouble is that, as she wasn’t aware of this before, it would have seemed as though something was wrong with her or that she was unlucky.

For her to gradually change this area of her life, there will be beliefs for her to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk