Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman Turn Into An Enabler If She Stays With A Mother-Enmeshed Man?

At this point in time, a woman can be with a man who is overly focused on his mother. She may have been with him for a few weeks, months or even years.

Either way, she can believe that if she stays with him, he will change sooner or later.  If she has been with him for a few weeks, there is a chance that he will change.

Another Reality

However, if she has been with him for a number of months or even years, there is likely to be less chance that he will change. The reason for this is that the weeks and months will have passed but there won’t have been any signs to suggest that he will change course.

Due to this, it is likely to be a good idea for her to think about how long she is willing to stay in this position. As, ultimately, her life will be passing her by and she won’t be able to get any of this time back.

An Important Decision

This is a time when she can think about how she will feel if she stays with him for another month, let alone another year. The mere thought of this could be enough to make her cut her ties with him.

If this is the case, this can be a time when she will need to reconnect to herself and go back to doing some of the things that she stopped doing. She could also feel well and truly exhausted, so it can take a while for her to return to her old self.

Another Scenario

Alternatively, if she stays with him, she is likely to become even more exhausted as time passes. But, if she is doing a lot for him, whilst receiving very little in return, this is to be expected.

One thing that can keep her going is the hope that he will change if she hangs in there. This hope is then going to stop her from being able to see clearly.   

Another Element

Additionally, not only will she be stopping herself from moving forward but she can also be stopping the man from doing the same. What this comes down to is that as she is in his life and is doing what she can to change him, there will be no need for him to change.

Even though this is unlikely to be her intention, by staying by his side, she will be sending him the message that there is no reason for him to change. In other words, she will be supporting his dysfunctional behaviour.

The Opposite Effect

Thus, while it will be her intention to lift him up, she will be unintentionally playing a part in keeping him down. If, on the other hand, she was to cut her ties with him, he would be deprived of her support.

One outcome of this is that it would be harder for him to behave in the same way and this could cause him to change course. He could end up hitting rock bottom, for instance, and looking into why he is behaving in this way.

A Helping Hand

Her leaving him could then give him the push that he needs to gradually reconnect to and put himself first. Still, it could take a number of months or years before he is ready to have a relationship.

If she were to become aware of how she is intentionally playing a part in holding him back, she might not be willing to accept this. She could say that if she were to leave him, she would be abandoning him.

A Closer Look

If this is what she believes, what she will need to keep in mind is that she is not responsible for him. Like her, he is on his own path and it is up to him to deal with his own issues.  

What she could also find, when she thinks about leaving him, is that she feels rejected and abandoned. Staying with a man who is not available is then going to allow her to keep this pain at bay.

A Deeper Look

The pain that she experiences by staying with him is then not going to be as painful as the pain that she would experience if she ended their relationship. The pain that arises when she thinks about ending their relationship can be a consequence of what took place during her formative.

This may have been a time when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. The outcome of this is that she would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

A Tough Time

To handle what took place, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs. Along with this, she would have come to believe, as she was egocentric, that her needs and feelings were bad and that she was worthless and unlovable.

She would have also lived in the hope – the false hope – that if she struggled for their love, she would finally be loved. But, her mother and perhaps her father were probably unable to love her as they had also been deprived, so it wouldn’t have mattered what she did.

A Continuation

Many years will have passed but part of her will still be struggling for the love that she missed out on. This part of her is blind and has no sense of time, which is why it can’t see that another man is not her mother or father and that this stage of her life is over.

For her to end this struggle and be able to meet a man who is available, she is likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through, among other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk