Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman’s Identity Stop Her From Seeing Why She Ends Up With Mother-Enmeshed Men?

A few weeks or months ago, a woman may have been dating or in a relationship with a man who was overly focused on his mother. This is likely to have meant that he spent a lot of time doing things for her.

And, when they were together, he might have also often messaged and been on the phone with her. As a result of this, she might have seldom, if ever, seen him, and when she did see him, he wouldn’t have been very present.

A Strange Scenario

When she thinks about what it was like, what might enter her mind is that it was as though he were in a relationship with two women. He then wouldn’t have just been there for his mother from time to time; his life would have revolved around her.

She would then have been deprived when she was with him, and she can feel fairly exhausted now that her time with him has come to an end. However, she can also feel relieved that she is no longer with him.

A pattern

After a while, she might see that this is not the first time that she has been with a man who was like this. The man that she was with before him might have also been caught up with his mother, or he might have just been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

It might even go further back than this, though, as she might have been with more than two men who were like this. If this has been going on for a long time, she can wonder why her life is this way.

One Conclusion

What might enter her mind is that this is just what men are like. If she were to talk about this area of her life with her trusted female friends, they could also back up what she believes.

They could say that she is ready to have a relationship, but that men are just not ready to have real relationships. Her friends could also be in the same position, with them having been with a number of men who were like this.

Another part

When it comes to her view of herself, she can believe that she is emotionally unavailable and is, thus, ready to be with a man who is available. Assuming that this is the case, it is to be expected that she would see men as the problem.

After this, as she won’t be able to do anything about this area of her life, she can feel frustrated and angry, and helpless and hopeless. Nonetheless, what if how she sees herself is not completely accurate?

A Closer Look

What if only part of her is ready and available, while another part of her is not ready or available? After hearing this, she can dismiss what has been said and even believe that she is being blamed for how men behave.
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Yet, if she does respond in this way, what she will need to keep in mind is that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind, or conscious sense of herself. Along with this part of her, she also has an unconscious mind.

Two Levels

Due to this, what is going on for her on one level might not be aligned with what is going on for her on another level. To use an analogy, this is similar to someone who is in a car that has the brake on, but they don’t realise it, so they believe that the car is being prevented from moving forward by external factors.

Yet, if they were to look down, they would see that it is what is going on inside the car that is primarily stopping it from moving. If this is the case, how she sees herself will be undermined by what is going on for her at an emotional and physical level.

Going Deeper

At an emotional level, she can have the need to be with a man who is emotionally unavailable and out of reach. The reason for this is that she might have been brought up by a mother and perhaps a father who didn’t provide her with the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that she needed.

This would have caused her to feel rejected, unwanted, abandoned and helpless, but her brain would have automatically repressed how she felt to allow her to keep it together and function. Moreover, she would have lived in the hope that, if she became who they wanted and behaved how they wanted, she would be loved.

It Was Futile

But while she was hopeless, as most likely, her mother and perhaps her father couldn’t provide her with what she needed, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence. This is because it would have aided in repression and allowed her to release tension.

She will now be an adult, not a child, but, at this deeper level, she will still be living in the hope that if she struggles, she will be loved. This is because this part of her has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t see that, as this stage of her life is over and another man is not her mother or father, it is too late.

Replaying The Past

This other part of her will then cause her to unconsciously recreate what it was like for her as a child, in the hope that it will be different. Instead, she will not only miss out on what she didn’t receive as a child, but also what she can receive as an adult.

Lastly, if she was often smothered early on, she can associate human closeness with losing herself and being annihilated. Her nervous system will then ensure that she doesn’t experience sustained human closeness, not to harm her but to protect her.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for her to gradually change her life, she will have a number of steps to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk